Loading Day One and My Story
by, August 8th, 2012 at 10:24 AM (416 Views)
I get to begin!
So far I have yet to eat anything but I'm about to make me some fried eggs for breakfast The eating all day is the hardest part for me because I'm so used to avoiding food. Last time around I didn't really get to "load up" and I think it effected my first try. I only got about two weeks in before quitting last time but now I know it's not what made me sick. I pray to God that this time I can lose this weight. I'm so dedicated! And having Wesley's support is very encouraging.
I used to blog everyday and this feels nice to do it again. So here's my story for anyone that cares to read:
At 15 I joined color guard at my high school in Indiana. All of the spandex clothing, work outs, and practices made me want to strive to be thin. I'd been a little bigger since puberty and I was ready for that to be over. I hardly ate and worked out all the time. I thought I was massive. Looking back now I would KILL to look like that again... Then we moved to Arizona where I became guard captain there. Having the new start was something great in my eyes. I didn't really date at my old school so now I was ready. I wanted to be the BEST. Yet again I worked out 24/7 but now I wasn't eating unless I absolutely had to. This was the start of my anorexia. All I could think about was be skinny. Dating boys. Looking sexy. I was a size five and my clothes hung to my bones. At my lowest I weighed 115 but on average it was 120-125 lbs. I still thought I was a whale. I would look in the mirror and cry because of how huge I was.
Then it happened. My doctors told me I had to stop all physical activities because all of the physical stress was causing my migraines and making my bone issues worse. It was then that I also had to get put on birth control. I gained 30 lbs almost immediately. The road to recovery was very hard because I never told anyone I didn't eat, no one knew because no one paid attention. As the weight piled on and I began to eat normal I loved my new curves at first because of the attention I got. My muscle tone mixed with the extra cushion looked fantastic. I wore a size 7/8 and I ROCKED it.
A few bad break ups and years later I began dating Wesley. Slowly since we began dating I put on weight. I work all the time and no longer had the energy to work out all the time. I was constantly sick so I was miserable and stopped paying attention to what I ate. Yet again I became obsessed with weight loss but lacked the energy to do anything about it. I was told I was vitamin B deficient and that pills would make me better so I began taking them and tried to do HCG in December of 2011.
About two weeks in I was in so much pain, exhausted, and couldn't function. I'd lost over a pound a day just like the diet said and I'd even cheated everyday with sugar and caffeine filled foods to help me get through the day at work. I returned my HCG for a full refund and thought it's what had made me sick. At the end of it I weighed 165 lbs. A few months later I found out I am NOT vit B deficient, I've been vit D deficient all along. Fantastic... I was sick over a YEAR for no good reason other than the fact that I'd never gotten the time or money to have another blood test done to ensure that's what was wrong with me.
Now I'm on a full variety of vitamins and weigh about 180 every day. I HATE myself. I put on my clothes and want to tear them apart because they're so tight. I don't want to have sex because all I can think about it how uncomfortable my own skin is. I'm a newlywed and I can't have all the sex I want!! How horrible is that?! I suck in my stomach almost 24/7. I wear sports bras all the time so my ribs start hurting from the wires digging in. I wear yoga pants all day at home so when I sit down I don't want to throw up from the fact that my pants dig in and create a massive bulge above and below my pant line. I loathe my own body.
My husband tries so hard to make me love myself. He loves my curves and tells me how much and how beautiful I am every single day. He's told me a hundred times that if I get down to the weight I was when he met me (120 lbs) or close to it he wouldn't find me attractive anymore. Yet, it doesn't help. I still HATE myself. I've never hated anything more in my entire life. What makes it worse is that everyone tells me how I have the perfect body. The last time I measured myself a few weeks ago I was about 41-38-45 in measurements on my 5' frame. I have large breasts, a stomach that is very narrow from side to side but sticks out almost as far as my chest, and a butt that makes my thighs and hips enormous. I miss the days when I laid down and my hip bones stuck out. I've never missed a bone more. Now I'm not sure I can even find them...
It doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful, that they would kill to weight what I do, or that they envy what I have. None of it matter because I hate myself. What makes it worse is that I KNOW it's a mental thing. I KNOW I don't look as obese as I feel. I KNOW that many people would love to be my size. But it doesn't matter. I NEED to lose this weight. I want to go from 180 to 140. 40 pounds is all I want to lose. I bought 90 day's worth of HCG, two 45-Day-Plans, just in case I don't lose what I want to in the 45 days. All I want is to have a good relationship with myself again.
I want to look in the mirror and have that confidence my husband fell in love with. I want to walk into a room and know how amazing I look again. I want to be naked and not avoid my reflection. I want to have crazy passionate sex and not care what my body looks like. I want to live again. Live without worrying about my weight. I need this.
Wish me luck! It's time to load!