Antha

I don't hate myself. I made a conscious decision. It wasn't informed by having something yummy and tempting in front of me. I haven't been knocked on my arse this badly in a while. I can't believe I feel this awful. My daughter was out sick from school all of last week because of strep throat. I took care of her all last week. Her father declined his time with her because his wife is pregnant and they didn't want to take the chance.

So, of course, you take care of your kid as a mother does and you contract whatever they had. I would take care of her if she had swine flu. I do like to take care of others as a nurturing person and treat them how I'd like to be treated if I were sick. It surprises me that I feel so horrible when my daughter didn't act any differently. She seemed fine, other than having fevers and then the rash - apparently, a strep rash is also called scarlet fever. I never knew you could get a rash with strep, but now I know.

I took my antibiotic yesterday and promptly shivered under the covers until I passed out and was released from my spasms. I hate having a fever worse than anything. You feel so cold that it feels like your bones are cracking inside of you. The body aches like that gorilla in that suitcase commercial has jumped on YOU instead of a suitcase.

Things are somewhat better today. Just totally wiped out and lethargic. Throat is a little bit sore. Yesterday morning, I woke up not being able to breathe. My tonsils are very large when I am healthy because of all my ear surgeries, so when I am sick, the throat is REALLY closed off. They should have been removed, but the doctors won't do it because I'm "too old". Nevermind that when I get sick my airway gets closed off almost completely.

Yesterday, I asked Boyfriend to bring me Arby's. I wanted the meat. I told him in a growly, animal-like voice: "Bring me meat, meat, meat. I really need meat. Bring me the biggest roast beef they have". He tries, but of course, he brought me a regular roast beef sandwich. I had planned on just eating the meat, but when I saw that that was all he brought, I ate fries and a grilled cheese sandwich. I hadn't eaten lunch, since I had been "squeezed in" at the doctor's office at 11:30 and didn't get home with my prescription until 1:00. It was a feat not to snarl at him: "WHERE IS ALL THE MEAT?!?!"

I get irritable and cranky when I am sick. Its hard to reign it in, but I did. I don't get PMS since I don't have a TOM. Being sick is my version of PMS. Yeah, you can control it, but it can be difficult to even see that you are grouchy. It seems like everyone else is dense and THEY are ticking YOU off.

I figured if I was intentionally going to cheat with something I didn't have to cook (that was the best part) that I wanted a lot of meat. Oh well. The rest of the night, those fries, small roast beef sandwich and grilled cheese made me feel UBER full and bloated...not in a good "Oh, I'm so satisfied" kind of way. My stomach must have shrunk or gotten used to eating less. My mind still wanted more, though. My mind kept saying, "MEAT! MEAT!"

The food did comfort me A LOT though. That's why I don't feel all that bad and made the decision to takes my lumps on it. At that time, I needed to not try to stand up (I'm dizzy and nauseated and weak). I needed to not be eating something boring. The comfort factor was more important to me than the stall or gain or whatever happens due to it.

I feel a bit stronger today, so I will go right back to protocol. I don't think it messed with my head too much, either.

My chicken keeps coming out dry, no matter how I try to cook it. I just want plain chicken breast and I want it to be moist. The taste is fine, but it is always dried out. I dutifully eat it for lunch even though I'd be just as happy not eating at all. I have grilled it in the George Foreman, microwaved it, steamed it, crockpotted it (), cooked it in the oven in a pan covered with tin foil, cooked it on a sheet uncovered, cooked it on a sheet wrapped in tin foil, boiled it in water, and stir fried it with water and boullion. The result is always the same: if it is cooked all the way through, the meat is dry.

I can't go to my old standbys: marinate the chicken overnight in Italian dressing, bake it in the oven breaded. I can't find a recipe that fits well with the protocol. Everything wants you to use cream of mushroom soup, use breadcrumbs, use something else to cover the chicken. I just want plain, moist chicken breast. You would've thought boiling would have let the chicken retain its moisture. Go figure.

I will eat it regardless. As of today, I have lost 19 pounds. Its not as much as I would've liked, this being VLCD35. I have 12 lbs more to go until I am at my first goal. I don't want to stop until I am there.

I only lost 1.8 lbs in week 4. I don't know if this is because I was starting to get sick but not yet showing symptoms. I did chew and spit a sausage patty, so that could be it too, although the next day I'd lost 1.6 lbs and my weight went down, just went SLOOOWLY.

My week goes from Thursday -Wednesday. I showed symptoms Friday of this week, which is week 5.

Oh well. I need to cook my chicken breasts (today I am trying it in a pan with chicken broth covered with tin foil), eat one and go take a much-needed nap.