Antha

This has been a really long round, and my first one. My stats are as follows:

Week 1: - 6.6
Week 2: - 3.8
Week 3: - 2.6
Week 4: - 3.2
Week 5: - 1.8
Week 6: - 0.0
Week 7: - 0.8
Week 8: - 1.0 (so far)

I started at 171. Today, I am at 146.4. The longer I go on, the better the chances of a cheat because I have been deprived so long. I cheated in Week 6 - so obvious, isn't it? A good deal of that was because I was sick with strep throat and allowed myself to have Arby's twice in one week (one of those was Super Bowl) and some Ritz crackers. By mid-week, I had gained 2 pounds and spent the rest of the week getting those 2 pounds back off, resulting in a 0 lb loss.

Week 7, I was doing alright until I indulged myself by having ranch with my chicken. Ranch must hate me because I gained 2.4 lbs. It came off more quickly than the weight from Week 6. I was also experiencing TOM (I have one every 3 months; usually its shorter than this one was) and so part of the gain might have been from that, hence being able to drop the gain so quickly. Still left me with less than a pound loss.

Considering these experiences, and how much more prone I am to cheating now so deep into P2, I have a good idea that I should give up my "first goal" of 140 and just be content with 145-146. My birthday weekend is next weekend. I will be turning 30. I know I will have a couple of shots of vodka. I WANT to have a couple shots of vodka (my drink of choice when I imbibe, which isn't often).

I am thinking it would be better to have the HCG out of my system for this. I have already gone on longer than called for. I have already seen that the longer I go, the less willpower I seem to have. If my birthday were not coming up, I could see myself eeking out a few more pounds, but it is coming up. Sure, its just another birthday, but I want to celebrate it. Its no fun being the designated driver on your own birthday.

I really didn't want to end P2 before I had reached 140. If I hadn't cheated, I would probably have gotten there, too. Instead, I wasted 2 weeks of my time by cheating. Let's do the math: 2 cheats + 5 days of eating strictly P2 = ZERO POUNDS LOST. Yeah, its just not worth it. When I was sick, it sure felt worth it. Here's the other math: 6.5 days of eating strictly P2 + 1 meal that I added ranch to = only 0.8 pounds lost. Yeah, the ranch was most certainly not worth it.

So, my plan now is to take the last of my pellets this Monday night (2/28), do the 3 VLCD (is it 2 or 3 for hhcg? I think its only 2), and then start P3 on Thursday or Friday. I'll keep it P2 but more calories. A couple shots of vodka on Saturday, then start focusing on slowly introducing foods and figuring out the whole P3 thing. Anyway, that's the rough sketch of the plan.

Like many, I'm excited and terrified of P3. I see all sorts of things that I'd like to make and eat...but I'm worried about steak days and going 2 lbs above or below my LPW (Last Pellet Weight?). I really want to eat that almond flour pizza...but I also worry that I will eat too much of it. Do you eat however many calories in P3 you want, or does it have to be 1500 or something?

I love pizza. I would gladly eat it every day of P3 because I've been without it for so long. Hehe. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to do 3 weeks of P3, 3 weeks of P4, or 6 weeks of P3. Am I correct in thinking that I cannot just do 3 weeks of P3 and just back into P2?

My skin already feels a little looser. Its hard to describe. My skin is usually pretty tight and the texture of it seems different...it doesn't LOOK loose, but I know my skin and it feels a bit looser. I probably do need the 6 weeks to tighten up. I started this diet right after I had lost 13 lbs just from working and standing on my feet all day. I technically "started" losing weight at 182 and then started the hhcg at 169 (gaining 2 lbs on loading). So, all told, I've lost 35.6 lbs since October 1st. Yeah, just to be safe and sure, I'm going to wait 6 weeks before starting Round 2.

Boyfriend likes the weight I am now and says I don't need to do another round. I think the weight loss pleases him, but he's becoming insecure. In both of our experiences, a partner that is doing more for their appearance is usually stepping out, or will get attention and then step out. I'm doing this for me. Being his eye-candy is a bonus. I think he'll just have to see that the weight loss will not make me shallow. He met me when I weighed 140 and didn't seem to think he "deserved a cute girl like you" and couldn't believe I was with him. Yeah, he's insecure. So am I. He'll get over it, I'm sure.

I'm still going to do this until I get to 120. He's never see me that small, but I used to be 110 - 130. I think 120 is a healthy, achievable weight for me. Sure, I won't look like I did pre-baby, but I'll look quite a bit more like myself.

For about 6 months, my hair was dyed a sandy-blonde. No one who hadn't known me before the dye job realized that it wasn't my natural hair color. At the end of six months, I dyed it to my natural color - medium/dark brown - and I looked in the mirror and felt like I was "reunited" with myself. I was back to me! I cannot describe the flood of relief that filled me at seeing "myself" again.

It sounds silly, but that's how I felt. I haven't been lower than 140 in 6 years. Being 120, I think I will see myself in the mirror again and be "reunited" with my old, familiar self. Even in dreams, I have my 20 year-old body and hair. That's how I think of myself, or rather, my "real self". I feel like its hard to see "the real me" underneath all this cushioning of fat. Sure, I have my face, but its fuller than I remember...I'm sure this is all babble, but it makes sense to me.

I can't wait to be 120 lbs again. In other words, I can't wait to be "me" again. Won't have the flat stomach, toned abs (thanks to daughter ripping my stomach muscles apart in utero) but I want the sense of self back. I am tired of feeling like a small person trapped underneath all this fat.

Finally, people are noticing a "marked difference" and say they "can tell I've lost a lot of weight". Yay. I don't see it as much as they do, but I know I'm smaller. I see minor differences in my body and face. I've lost inches everywhere in P2. My neck is a full inch smaller, my bust is 2 inches smaller. Even my arms, who are SO STUBBORN, finally gave up 1 inch.

I started out on hhcg wearing size 18 jeans. Then 16. Then 14. And now, the 14s are loose. I could probably wear size 12's now, but they'd dig into my stomach if I bent over or sat down. Still, I've lost SIZES as well as pounds! I can feel the difference mostly in my clothing, but I can see that my face is a bit leaner too.

I was so skeptical of this, and I tried it anyway, and I am so glad I did! With hhcg, I've lost almost 25 lbs! I do seem to lose it slower than others, but hopefully I've solidified my loss and will stabilize well.

I feel bad for "giving up" before I've hit the 140 mark, but I really think its just time to let my body and mind rest a bit, recharge for the next round. I'm hoping to be 120 before summer. It doesn't really matter if it is before summer or whatnot, just so long as I get there, but it would be great to not feel self-conscious in tank tops (bat wing arms) and possibly even shorts. I'll ALWAYS feel self-conscious in a bathing suit. When I was trim and cute, I still felt so exposed and self-conscious. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. Too bad those bathing suits from the 1930's aren't really "acceptable" bathing suits, eh?

I think I'm done rambling for now. I have 2 more days (besides today) of taking my pellets. Hopefully, I will drop 1.4 lbs to land me with an even 145 lbs to stabilize on.