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Beenz

Okay. I'll do it. Topic: too nice.

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I really never thought I'd blog. I mean, who the heck cares what I have to say? I think, though, that it's not so much about having an audience as perhaps journaling in the "modern way".
I will call it a learning experience, like so many other things.

My Dad passed away this last fall, after a long illness. He had a good almost-80 years, and then survived until 85. It was rough at the end. I miss him constantly-as he was in health, of course.

His passing, my turning 40, another friend passing right before my 40th birthday...a lot of things have got me thinking this year. It's one of the reasons I went to HCG-I needed to get some things under control-my health to start with.

Of course, when I say health, I primarily refer to physical health. The HCG is taking care of my weight issues nicely, and I would imagine when I next go for a physical, it will have taken care of any elevation in triglycerides etc. I realize now that I am more in tune to other aspects of my life. Go figure!

What to do when you have been raised to be "too nice". I know, what does that mean? How can you be too nice? I've come to realize-it's when you don't say what you mean because you are concerned about hurting someone else's feelings, or seeming rude, or somehow less than generous and kind. What happens to the too nice person? I think it's made me hold a lot of things in, keep to myself, and insulate from the world-emotionally, and I realize physically, with fat. I do reach an occasional point where I can take it no longer, and I explode-much to the surprise of those around me because they really don't expect it. I am, of course, too nice. So why would I ever, ever, ever be angry or upset?

This is something I can't allow to continue in myself any longer. I am trying to figure out how to make these changes...I seem to FORGET to stick up for myself. Huh?!

My job is very mentally strenuous. It is something I am very good at, and I've done it for years. It took special training, and I excelled. However: I HATE it. It is not how it was when I started. I have learned and grown and tolerated and am still very good at it. I "get" to do training. When there is not enough help to go around, I get the short end of the stick because "I can do it". SCREW IT. I am so ready to quit. So ready. Soooooooooooooooooooooo. Ready.

I said to the boss yesterday-this staffing issue cannot continue. We have zero tolerance for errors, and the rushing that we must do is just a recipe for either making a mistake or having something go forgotten or undone. She says-suck it up. I say-I have been sucking it up. I've been doing this for a LONG time. I know we have reached the tipping point. More-suck it up. I say-look-I don't have time to go potty-and I DON"T get a lunch break-that's not even legal. Suck it up. Well, I won't reduce my water intake and not go-I got kidney stones a few years ago from doing that.

Must find something else. Just don't even know where to start.

I've mentioned in posts that I have some friends who seem to enjoy abusing me, for lack of a better word. Embarrassing me while also saying-gosh, you are so good at everything, blah blah blah. Can't I just be a person and not on display? Why do I think of 5 zillion comebacks about 30 seconds too late? Sigh.

Then there's my Mom. Gosh, I love her, but it is difficult to like her. She wants to manipulate me constantly. I've finally started to recognize that and pick up on it to stop it, and that is making things difficult. It was pure hell when I had surgery a couple of weeks ago and she took me-she offered, anyone else I would have cared to have help me had a job-and she browbeat me the entire time. I was-this-close to asking my bf to leave work and get me. In fact, he offered-but I said, no, this is crazy. I will tolerate this but NEVER again. So I am torn. I want to be the daughter she wants me to be, but I need to be myself. Those do not seem to be the same people.

Sigh.

I have to go get ready to be too nice all day at work now.

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Comments

  1. britt8tink's Avatar
    I really never thought I'd blog. I mean, who the heck cares what I have to say? I think, though, that it's not so much about having an audience as perhaps journaling in the "modern way".
    I will call it a learning experience, like so many other things.
    This is EXACTLY the reason for my blogging... I didn't want anyone in the forums to be bored hearing about me me me all the time but I wanted to keep a record of what I am doing... Just to see what works for me. Who knows... Maybe it will help someone else out too. *shrug*

    I'm sorry for the loss of your father and for all the struggles you've been going through from people taking advantage of your good and kind nature. It's unfortunate that people are that way... Anyway, just wanted to wish you the best of luck on your hcg journey!
  2. Beenz's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by britt8tink
    This is EXACTLY the reason for my blogging... I didn't want anyone in the forums to be bored hearing about me me me all the time but I wanted to keep a record of what I am doing... Just to see what works for me. Who knows... Maybe it will help someone else out too. *shrug*

    I'm sorry for the loss of your father and for all the struggles you've been going through from people taking advantage of your good and kind nature. It's unfortunate that people are that way... Anyway, just wanted to wish you the best of luck on your hcg journey!
    Thanks. I think we all have these struggles and rebuff them differently...?
    Dad would be pleased. I promised him basically on his deathbed that I would get my weight and health straightened out. I meant it. It's working. Whew. Can't renege on a promise like that!

    Will check out your blog today!
  3. britt8tink's Avatar
    Can't renege on a promise like that!
    No you can't!!! Great motivation!
  4. Dubbles's Avatar
    I enjoy reading the blogs. Thanks for letting us share. I haven't quite got into the personal blog thing yet, but it's a good idea. Like you said, a modern way of journaling. Its interesting to see how people progress.
  5. Elliebabe's Avatar
    wow Beenz,
    I am the same way, I take and take and take and then I explode and others say, "what they heck just happened!" ha ha
    I think it's great that you are stating the truth that there is just too much going on at work and something is about to go wrong, it's the truth!
    I am glad your Dad had a good long life and that you Love him so much! He Loves you too!!!!!
    Oh we say at work, I don't even have time to scratch my butt! hee hee
  6. Pam1030's Avatar
    Beenz,

    Thank you for sharing this. I can totally relate to the mother situation. I too am 40 years old and life hit me in the face this year. I decided to make changes for me and nobody else. Also, my mother is a difficult person most of the time and even though I never thought she was when I was growing up, she actually was. Looking back it is hard to deny it. I do love her but it is quite challenging to like her at times.

    Be yourself! That is exactly what I have finally done for myself. It may be considered being selfish at times but at 40, for me it's time. Hugs!! Once again, thank you for sharing!
  7. PhenixPriestess's Avatar
    There comes a point in each individuals life, where they are forced to show that they are not the child to their parents. I applaud you for finally recognizing that it is time for you to do so. As for blossoming and stating your mind so that you are correcting your shyness and "too nice"ness recognizing it is the first step which is what you are doing. It sounds a bit crazy but try to make a "dang it" list, list things that you aren't going to do anymore, including types of behaviors from other individuals that you are not going to take, or any other goals you want to add, its sort of like an affirmation. I was told to do this for most of a year before I decided to do it because I just felt to silly, but you don't have to show it to anyone, start it in your personal journal if you want. It helped me. I re read them when I'm feeling particularly low sometimes. *hugs* Things will get better, patience is one of the hardest of virtues.