MelusineBEAUTY

Today for some reason I just felt like falling into my old habbits. I wanted to bad to snack that I actually found myself munching on spring mix as if they were potato chips..oh how I wish. Part of me is scared that I will never be able to really enjoy food that I love or bake without indulging myself in a piece. I guess I am still trying to find that balance. I know that my new eating protocol is very restricted and its really difficult, I dont dare watch the food network anymore and even change the channel when I see a commercial for pizza. Not that I would ever eat Papa Johns since I live where the best pizza on earth is. I miss Guisseppe's. The people at Yummy Yummy chinese are probably worried about me.
Usually when I do on diets I find that even though I set a goal, I manage to fall off the boat every time I feel like I had lost enough weight. Lat time I was around the same weight. I was 225 and starved myself down to 200. I dont think I ever saw 199 and my goal weight was 175. I felt so happy that I had lost 15 lbs that I started let myself have more , or take an extra helping until less than a week later I am back again stuffing myself. When I used to binge, it will cost me between $12-25 dollars depending on what I ordered. I would buy food at least three to four days a week. No wonder I'm so ****ing broke. I dont want to be like that anymore... I want all those habbits gone. And now I am trying to recognize and appreciate the new habbits I am creating and substituting the old habbits with. That's the point, right? I mean, how am I supposed to let go of something so terrifying as bulimia without replacing it with something worthy of myself?