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quelsen

40. why does it feel like a death sentence

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OK I have come to the end of an thought meme and am feeling rather at a loss for the next thing.

I was big from day one. My parents recorded my weight till age 7 and i gained a pound a month every month to that point. so by my 7th birthday i was 90 pounds acording to the baby book. I was the child everyone made fun of, adults as well as children. My size was THE topic for conversation if i was in the room. Head start was bad but as i went to a private school Kindergarten was way worse. By the time I was 10 I had become so aware of my weight that i knew what i weighed and would attempt to fast ( until i got caught ) and was running 2-3 miles a day to try to burn it all off.

The straw the broke the camels back was when i surpassed my older cousin. He was 9 months older than me and we weighted the same at 120 then i went to 125. Our mothers were identical twins and our fathers were first cousins so in my mind i assumed that I should never weigh anymore than he did as i equated us in my own mind.

That is when i became very very serious about controling my weight. At the ripe old age of 10. No matter what i did i continuously failed. Looking back it is easy to see that i was obsessed with something i had very little contorl over however given that i had NO control over the rest of my life i grabbed onto this and held it for all i was worth. Yet all my fasting ezercise and determination was no match for my gentic disposition and by the age of 18 i was 310 and miserable

The next 17 years go by and never for one minute do i stop striving to reduce and study and exercise trying to stop the slide into death and despite all that by the age of 34 I had never stoped the headlong rush. at 421 i started to reevaluate what i knew. I wish i had started eariler but i have been saying that for 30 years so what is new.

I started studying the avialible liturature on insulin resistance and designed my own food plan and exercise regimine which seemed to work for a while. I woudl eat 800 kcals a day from a primarily protien source; then each day i woudl exercise 1200kcals to give myself a caloric defficeit . in 2 months i reduced by 40 pounds and i was happy to be making progress. Then it stopped, I had changed nothign and it stopped. I kept on for 4 more months hoping it woudl get back on track. It never started again.

At this point i hate my body. It has become the enemy and if i was not evil to it before i began to be evil now. I woudl fast for weeks. I would exercise until i almost passed out. To my shame i admit that I have resorted to personal violence in my anger at the problem. Forunately hitting yourself out of frustration doesnt cause any permenant damage or at least in my case did not.

Finally i gave up. I just didnt have the energy to care anymore. life was just this thing i did you know. Suicide was ever in my thoughts.Then the worst thing in my opinon happened. I saw my MD for a regular checkup.He had been after me for years to do a gastric bypass and i woudl counter my history with general anesthesia , I dont wake up well, so i knew that If i go under again i wont wake up.

When you go thru anger manaagement you may perform an exercise which lists what actually happened , what you felt about what happened, and the result. That is the only way to process this.
What happened, the MD increased my Testosterone dosage.
What was the result; higher blood pressure, calcium leaching; 100 pound weight gain in 90 days
what I felt about it. I knew he did it to force me to ge the bypass. He had no idea what was causing my problems until i really studied hard and found that the Testosterone lists that as a side effect. His reply " Oh yeah i guess that can happen"

By this point i was just broken totally broken.

Everything started to change from that point. I started to eat for taste somethign i never did before. and i found a strange thing. eating didnt cause me to gain weight. At the time i was working on site in tennessee and started hitting the hotel buffet for lunch. no signifigant weight gain. ?????

I was challanged by my then girlfreind to see a Naturopath. Her word were " you have studied this so long and so hard you think everyone else is stupid" That jerked me up short it was true. I knew that nobody else had my problem so it was up to me to fix it. I went to her ND and he performed at Neuro-Crainial Restructuring on me I figured what did i have to lose. things began to change.

From there i started to visit all sorts of non standard forms of healing, again i fgured i had nothing to lose. I spent a week in Cumberland Forge TN in experiental therapy and while i recieved a huge groth spurt there it was also the end of my dating as the moment i came back she looked at me and said " you have changed... I dont like it" Nothing had been said yet, but she coudl see the change and that was that.

I spent the next 3 years getting spiritual hoping for some solution and in june of 2010 a random stranger walked into my home to pick up my then roomate for a date and told me about HCG. he had removed 70 pounds with it and wanted to share his triumph with me.

June 16th i started the protocol pounds and inches and today i am 150 pounds lighter. Along the way i have learned even more aobut nutirion and exercise and Primal.

In 16 days i will be 40. This is not where i wanted to be at 40, but it is where i am. I am on the path to health but i have always been on the path. I have never quite gotten to where i want to be. This milestone is weighing heavily on me. I feel that time has expired and i have not made it to the finsih line. Each day this month hurts more and more.

I know i need another perspective. I know i need to celebrate what i have accomplished. For the life of me I cannot seem to choose to do that. All i seem willign to do is dwell on my failures.

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Comments

  1. DG Brz's Avatar
    40 is nothing more than 40, just a number. Don't let the numbers scare you. I feel like 40 and up was great for me because I realized then that I did not give a s*** to what people thought of me, but what I thought of myself. Im 46 and I still celebrate every year. Best wishes and Happy Birthday!
  2. quelsen's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by DG Brz
    40 is nothing more than 40, just a number. Don't let the numbers scare you. I feel like 40 and up was great for me because I realized then that I did not give a s*** to what people thought of me, but what I thought of myself. Im 46 and I still celebrate every year. Best wishes and Happy Birthday!
    Thanks
  3. Heidi Kate's Avatar
    I'm going to be 50 in November and still have 80 pounds to lose. But I've lost 40 pounds from my highest weight ever and I'm excited about the future. We're still young
  4. jms's Avatar
    Thank you for your post and please know that you are not alone. I have been fat since I was 3. I remember weighing 140 in the 4th grade. On my 15th birthday I got my driver's license I weighed 310. I never weighed less than that until my first round of HCG in March. I was always made fun of, never dated. When I graduated nursing schoolin my 20's I was 500lbs. The dean told me I would never get a good because of my weight. I was suicidal at that point. Through the years I have had 3 weight loss surgergies and almost died twice. After getting and surviving cancer 3 years ago I decided to live my life "as is". I ended up meeting my future husband at 45, married at 46, and having a great life at 47. My husband and I have made a committment to get healthy together and are thrilled with results we have gotten with HCG. 40 is just the beginning- it gets better and better as you go!
  5. BeachBaby's Avatar
    You have done an awesome job. You may not be where you want to be but you are where you are meant to be.
  6. mandeloo's Avatar
    I was 23 when I met my then 40 yr old husband. It's a damn sexy age for a man. Seems to be the magic age when he finally opens his eyes. This is my second marriage and I love him more than I did the day I married him. It only gets better from here.