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R2P2 Vlcd40-Perception

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This has been the toughest week of this whole 4 month journey. The guilt, stress, emotions and exhaustion have taken over my life...no, I am not a victim-I have given up control again. I have made the job, house, kids and everything else the priority and moved myself to the bottom of the list again. I have cheated everyday this week, which, as we all know, has increased the downward spiral.
Trying to find a balance in my life has been a huge challenge. The marriage issues have added so much stress as we work to figure out how life is going to happen with both of us working full-time. We are not seeing each other at all and there is no communication happening. I miss my husband, my best friend, my biggest source of encouragement. I feel like I am drifting alone and trying to do everything on my own. I feel cut off from everything and everyone. Life for all has become so busy and hectic, my support system is gone.
On a happier, more productive note, I have been watching "How to Look Good Naked", both the British and American versions...and I have had some major realizations. I think it is fascinating to see how the ladies' perceptions are so wrong. What they think their measurements are vs the truth is amazingly different. I know that in the past, my body perception was incredibly wrong. I did not think I was a big as I really was-can you say denial?!?! Now, I have the opposite problem. I have lost so much weight in so little time, my brain has not had time to catch up. I still think I look 50 pounds heavier, think that is what everyone else is seeing-the heavy, "before", me. Still have the thought process of being the heavy girl in the room, of not being worthy of anyone's attention or love. I am working on being aware of these flaws in my thinking. Trying to work on seeing myself in reality. I am nearly no longer overweight, only 8 pounds away from being a "normal" BMI. My brain and self-perception just needs to catch up with that.
I don't really know my body anymore. Everything feels foreign and unknown to me. I have always been the big girl with big boobs and no waist-had to shop for that body type. I don't even know what my body type is anymore. I am having a hard time seeing what is in the mirror, and I don't trust my view. Nothing fits anymore-bras, underwear, tops, pants, everything is too big! I am thrilled with this, but to be 100% honest, which is the whole point of this blog-I feel like I am losing my identity-which I hate to admit, but was all wrapped up in my boobs. That was the one thing I was proud of, that I thought was a good feature, that I worked to accentuate. And my hubby told me he loved. Now they are shrinking daily along with the rest of me and I feel like I am losing myself. Weird and sad, but true.
I am really considering a boob job after all this is over, after I have gotten to the weight I want and stabilized. I always thought that was something I would never do, but this is getting really hard to deal with. I want to love my body, all of me. I am working on dressing to show off my new shape, which is new and different. I am having to dress up for work everyday, business attire. I have hidden in clothes for 10 years, I am not used to seeing a shape when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize what I see. I walk by a window or mirror when I am out and i don't realize I am looking at myself! Again, perception-so amazing what our brain distorts.
Tomorrow is another day, the start of the last week of this round. I am determined to finish this strong. It is not about losing any more weight (although it would be nice), it is about feeling confident and strong and proud. I have fallen down and it is time to get back up and finish this leg of the race. I want to feel proud and hold my head high, to say I have stumbled, but I am not giving up. I have spent enough time being ashamed and hiding and hanging my head in embarrassment. No matter what I weigh, I am proud of how far I have come and how much I have learned.
Time to see reality for what it is and put myself back at the top of the list. Here's to a great week!!!

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Comments

  1. sollay's Avatar
    Yay! Finish strong. I feel you on the having difficulty to grasp the reality of your new body. I went from 230# to 140# in a year and a half and only recently started waking up and lovin' the skin i'm in. My sister helped me to stop "thinking fat". You just have to determine to change that mind around. Write out some positive thoughts of affirmation, get in the mirror and read them aloud to yourself, keep them in your purse to pull out every now and then to remind yourself. You've got to stop listening to yourself and TALK to yourself. I'm telling you, it's powerful.

    As for being secure with the boobs and watching them shrink before your eyes and a part of your identity go with them. Don't be discouraged. (i'm all for surgery) but not everyone is....if you aren't there are great bra options. SOMA/Vicki's secret will pick those babies up and give them life again! LoL you just have to get into the right size.

    Like you for a long time my body and being the biggest girl in the room was 'just my thing' but now, that's out of the way...you get an opportunity to truly discover who you are and not willow is self pity. You are beautiful, you are healthy, your hubby loves you and you're a super mom you just have to find that balance. Look up a baby sitter and arrange a date night with your man. Celebrate the new you! You deserve it and he deserves it to!!

    Hectic work schedules and running the house hold can be difficult at times but at the end of the day if you can't sit back and smell the roses...what's the point. You have one life to live Makana and no one is promised tomorrow...live it out now. You gotta just make the decision to wake up....and do it!

    Sollay
    (got your back)
  2. newlife&love's Avatar
    Beautiful post, beautiful reply! Thank you both!!!! I can't agree with you more ... well said ladies. We do lose identity in this journey .. but in a good way ... so it is an overall transformation not just 'another' diet. The brain (and the skin) will catch up .. yes, you are moving into skinny minnie category .. accept it, love it! Cheers to both of you ... you both made my day. Let me now go re-read what you wrote as I really needed to hear this and helps to know we are all in it together.
  3. prasedenica's Avatar
    I also had a period of depression and extreme pressure. Let's try and move forward confidently duck life
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  5. Miakos's Avatar
    Brain claps to you both—you two brightened my day. Now that I've read it again, I can truly relate to what you said and find comfort in the knowledge that we are all in this together.
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