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cant take it!! goin tannin...

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Even though we cant use the lotions ( at least I dont risk it) i am going tanning today. I dont want to super burn, but I know I feel a bit cuter with a bit o color. normally its do a self tanner in feb, but I cant so im going to the salon. It actually makes me feel better , like happier when im tanning. They say it raises endorphines like exercise or chocolate...we'll see!! Gonna buy a package and go a couple times a week to get a base back. Feel a bit better today, mornings are always better, almost broke last night. wasnt even super hungry, just a bit more than the norm and i think it was mental. I wanted a reason to go off this and "do this myself" I dont know why my mind is fighting me so much this round. I know I can eat the way I want to eat in a few weeks. I just feel like I want to try again to lose it on my own. I kinda feel like im not the one in control on this diet..and I dont like that. Does anyone else feel that way? yes im in control of if i cheat or not, but I almost feel like im not working to lose the weight..like its just a waiting game. At least on my own my time is filled with workouts, lol. Day by day we shall see. fff today. may weigh tomorrow and see if I can do this anymore. Maybe im one of those people that just eat healthy and exercise and let the weight lie where it wants. I can maintain a decent weight pretty easy that way..but ive never been as low low as I have on hcg soooo that my friends is why im so torn! Once you see a certain number..you want it back and wont settle for another. how obsessive is that. shouldnt just be about a number or pants size. errrg my brain.

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