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hellcatemi

My hcg journey and personal thoughts

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OK, so, ever since I joined this forum I have just been amazed at the love and support that the forum members here show to each other, and just how much it has benefited me. Because of that, I thought that I would share with y'all a little bit about my own personal journey through my transformation and how life, hcg and the support of people here are making some really cool changes in my life.
January of this year, my husband and I separated, and I had to take a good hard look at me, my life and the ways in which I respond to the world around me. I was miserable. I was fat, angry at the world and hell bent on punishing myself and everyone around me for everything that I thought was wrong with my life. My whole life I looked at the world as something to survive. i.e, sink or swim. I had decided a long time ago, that I was a "swimmer" and couldn't understand how I could fail so miserably at being happy in spite of my "can do" attitude.
My husband no longer being around turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I could no longer blame him for my unhappiness. In fact, I realized that it was just me and that if I didn't start making some changes in my life, I would never be the kind of person that I want to be. Now, all of this is a good 9 months before I had ever even heard of HCG, but I believe that the changes in me that were necessary in order for this diet to truly be successful for me started long before I found hcg.
I moved from Hawaii to LA (where I knew no one) and found a job. For the next 5 months, I worked and went home. That's it. No one there with me, no one but me to look at at the end of the day. I began to realize just how much I had been completely and totally defining myself and my happiness by outside factors. My husband, my job, my appearance... whatever. All of those things are important, but none of them can make me happy if I can't just learn to be ok with me.
So, rather than maintain my sink or swim philosophy, I found a new option: float. That didn't mean that I turned my back on responsibilities or sunk into a vegetative state. What it meant was that I started learning how to stop personalizing every little thing, good or bad, that occured in my life. I started learning how to just accept that life IS, and a lot of times, the only thing I am really in control of is my chosen perception of those events.
I started being angry less. For the first time in my life, I could describe myself as a happy person and recognize the truth of that statement.
In June, I moved back to Texas near family. Now, my family relationships are stressful and dysfunctional at best, but, I felt at that time, that I was being called back and that the time was right for some healing within me. (part of the whole "float and let the Universe guide me....)
That doesn't mean that my family relationships have healed. If anything, some of them have fractured further. The difference is that now I can look at them and truly say that I have tried my best, and I no longer have to allow people who are too sick to show love in a healthy way the ability to damage ME.
A couple of months later I found the hcg diet, and began my journey with y'all on that.
Now, I am not just writing about all of this to air dirty laundry, or for some pity trip, but because I truly believe that me gaining the excessive weight that I did had so much to do with my world views, and my inability to just BE in spite of the people around me or good times bad times, etc.
So, if gaining all of that weight was the external signs of my emotional pain and turmoil, it makes sense to me that losing that weight should go hand in hand with some emotional healing and some true acceptance of myself as a person.
It feels great to look in the mirror and see a body that is starting to look like the body I once had. What feels even better is knowing (and believing) that I NEVER have to pad myself with fat again to protect myself from the world or my feelings.
Sometimes I want to fall into old doubts that even though I am losing weight now, that I will just regain it later, because I am hopeless. Today, I can recognize that I don't have to continue to live in those old self-defeating mindsets and also know that I am growing enough as a person to not return to that emotionally stunted place that keeps me eating to feel ok.

So, basically, I just kind of felt it was important to try to share ALL of my journey with you guys. Maybe someone can relate. Maybe you will all think I am bug-friggin-nuts. Maybe no one will even read this.

Thank you to everyone for being a part of this forum and sharing your trials and joys.
Have a great day.
-Emily MacLeod

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Comments

  1. britt8tink's Avatar
    It takes a strong person to be able to open up and share their personal experiences (good or bad) with others. I enjoyed reading this and relate to many of your feelings. Thanks for sharing and good luck on your journey.
  2. Elliebabe's Avatar
    Wow Emily you are one BRAVE woman!
    I understand the anger thing. I was taught not to speak up. So I held most things in, stewing in anger. It's great that your learning so much about youself, you are AWESOME!
    Do still communicate with your husband? Great job on the weight loss and getting to know youself better...

    Ellie
  3. hellcatemi's Avatar
    yes, my husband and I never really stopped talking, we just didnt talk a whole lot for several months. He is in Seattle and I am in Texas right now, and we are basically back together, just long distance at the moment for financial reasons. We are planning to be back in the same location together in either mid January or February.
    And, thanks, Ellie, and Britt
  4. Elliebabe's Avatar
    Emily where is he in Seattle? I am in Des Moines right next to the airport.
    Small world, is he liking the rain these days? hee
  5. hellcatemi's Avatar
    He told me it was raining when he left for work this morning (ha! big surprise in Seattle lol) He is staying in White Center. He grew up in Seattle, so while I am here dealing with my past and healing up, he is getting to hang out with old friends and do what he needs to do for him I have told him a little about my weight loss, but I really want to surprise him... He has never seen me this skinny! By the time I get to be with him again in Jan or Feb, I am hoping he won't even recognize me