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jennasaisquoi

Open Letter to the Voice In My Head

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If anyone else talked to me this way, I would let them have it. I've been listening to you my whole life, and 99% of the time, you're such a Debbie Downer. I wish I could turn you off, or feed you some anti-depressants or something. Even when I KNOW you're wrong, you just keep repeating yourself, and upping the volume each time, until it's all I hear. What purpose does this serve?

I saw a woman a few months ago, striding down the sidewalk on a Friday night in San Francisco. Squirrel was visiting, and we were looking for a mellow place to have a drink and chat (not easy on a Friday night in S.F.!) Anyway, this woman walked by, wearing a tiny black t-shirt, along with skin-tight cream colored leggings tucked into knee high boots.

Squirrel and I both stared at her in awe. Her entire butt was just OUT THERE, the boots were roomy at the top, she seemed perfectly comfortable and at ease with herself, and I wondered what the hell it must be like to be her. I voiced the question out loud to Squirrel, and we both agreed that it must be a magical existence to be comfortable enough to wear that in public, even if such a get-up looked fabulous on either of us.

Because of YOU, Voice In My Head! Even if I lost 100 lbs. and wore a size two (and you just said, "Yeah, RIGHT") you would always be there, tainting everything, wondering if anything was jiggling, checking my reflection in the store windows in paranoia as I walked, and generally ruining my good time. The way you always seem to do.

Like yesterday, when I slung my jacket over my shoulder, smoothed one of my new skirts, and started walking off the playground to take my break, and my boss (who is very sweet and sincere) called out, "Wow! You look just like a fashion model!" And in your little cave in the back of my mind, you immediately quipped, "That's right, I'm the first 220 lb. fashion model!!!" And I had to fight to keep the derisive laughter from spewing out of my mouth.

That just sucks. You have literally transformed me into my own worst enemy.

Frankly, Voice In My Head, I want a divorce, or at the very least, a trial separation. Maybe you could take some Anger Management classes. But something, somewhere, has to change.

________________________________________

So today, I woke up to a feeling of crushing nausea, and another day of 222 on the scale. This is beginning to feel like Groundhog Day! However, recent events lead me to believe that tomorrow will bring better news. I am back on track, sipping my coffee, and playing it by ear. But the way it is looking now, I will be entering p3 either this Monday, or the next. I want to meet my 20 lbs. lost goal first, BUT I need to stabilize somewhat before I leave on the trip to Thailand. I have my doctor's appointment for my inoculations (typhoid, yay!) tomorrow, and my travel scale from amazon showed up today. It is freaking adorable: about the size of a large-ish paperback book, and as far as I can tell, quite accurate. It's also my favorite color and has orchid-y flowers on it. It will be hard to hate it, which is good, as it is definitely an excellent size for hurling across the room.

When I come back though, I may try cycling. It would be unbelievable to come back when school starts up again, and be 30-40 lbs. lighter.

As I am feeling better, I am planning to get in a lot of exercise once P3 starts. I am dusting off the Wii: I have sooooo many fitness related games which I love, but just have limited space and time to play! I am under orders not to do CrossFit, but should be able to get in a lot of walking and maybe take some dance classes. I've taught hubby some swing dancing, but we really need an official class setting to progress.

I hope you all are progressing smoothly, and just generally having a great day! The sun is out here, and it's going to be a lovely afternoon.

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Comments

  1. happydj's Avatar
    Wow, can I relate to your post.

    The travel scale sounds so sweet, I may have to pick one up.

    Thailand sounds awesome and I highly recommend cycling or planned interruption...shaking things up a bit keeps your body guessing and LOSING!
  2. MarleyMom24's Avatar
    Dang 2 posts that could have came right from my brain all in one day! I'm in p3 now and the exercise really helps with my mood! I'm trying a bellydancing class tonight for the first time! Never thought i'd say that....
  3. happydj's Avatar
    oooooooo belly dancing! Sounds like SO much fun, please let us know.
  4. JoNichelle's Avatar
    **hugs** And damn that voice in yer head!
  5. karrievt76's Avatar
    Thanks for this! I totally can relate - the Voice in My Head sure wreaks havoc in my life! Let's all put a muzzle on it!
    Good luck in P3 and have a fabulous time in Thailand!
  6. SweetKatieA's Avatar
    All I can say is.. AMEN!
  7. PurrrectlyMe's Avatar
    You can do it! Acknowledging those thoughts is a great step.
  8. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by happydj
    Wow, can I relate to your post.

    The travel scale sounds so sweet, I may have to pick one up.

    Thailand sounds awesome and I highly recommend cycling or planned interruption...shaking things up a bit keeps your body guessing and LOSING!
    I can't stress enough how great it is to hear others say, "Me too!" A lot of the time, I just think it's my own weirdness talking.

    The travel scale is here: http://www.amazon.com/Momo-Baby-Todd...856470&sr=8-15 on Amazon.com. It says it's a baby scale, but it's accurate up to 300 lbs?! That's SOME baby! They have it in other colors, too. Thanks for the shot in the arm re: Cycling: I am excited to be able to really go for it, and this summer is all time off for me, so it will be good to have a project!
  9. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by MarleyMom24
    Dang 2 posts that could have came right from my brain all in one day! I'm in p3 now and the exercise really helps with my mood! I'm trying a bellydancing class tonight for the first time! Never thought i'd say that....
    Yay: I can't wait to get back into dancing! Belly dancing is SO much fun. It makes you a better all-around dancer with all the isolations, and there's a reason those ladies usually have tiny waists. Just be careful, its addictive! Have fun in class!
  10. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by JoNichelle
    **hugs** And damn that voice in yer head!
    Thanks lady! I know, I need some techniques to shut her up. It would help if she didn't sound so parental.
  11. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by karrievt76
    Thanks for this! I totally can relate - the Voice in My Head sure wreaks havoc in my life! Let's all put a muzzle on it!
    Good luck in P3 and have a fabulous time in Thailand!
    Thanks Karrie! I will totally settle for a muzzle, but occasionally, I think the only thing that will shut that beast up is chloroform Good luck on your journey as well!
  12. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by SweetKatieA
    All I can say is.. AMEN!
    LOL: I have always wanted to get one of those! You guys are all making me feel so empowered!
  13. jennasaisquoi's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by PurrrectlyMe
    You can do it! Acknowledging those thoughts is a great step.
    Thanks: I evidently need all the encouragement I can get! Acknowledging my weird thoughts, or indeed admitting that I need help, is an unusual thing for me. This truly is the place where I go to let off steam, and while I have noted these thoughts before, getting them "out there" is amazingly freeing.