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Inner Demons - "Damn, Now everyone is looking at me"

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So I took a "planned interruption" to sort myself out. Has it worked? Possibly. We'll see tomorrow when I start VLCD again. This is what I've discovered though, I sabotage myself, not just in diets either. I can not tell you how many times I think to myself "This is going to lead to something bad" and i do it anyways, or maybe even do it more so because of that thought.

Reasons I sabotage myself:

1. I like control. I hate not having control over things and even worse I hate being told I CAN'T. Yes I know how childish that is but it is the reality in which I live.

2. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I like losing control. Probably a bi-product of being so controlling is the fact that, on occasion, to say "f it" is the most therapeutic thing in my life.

3. I like making bad decisions sometimes. I have a very rebellious streak. I like being independent and doing my own thing. Then I started an older guy at 18 and raising his 2 kids for five years, then had my own 2 and have been raising them on my own with virtually no support. This all left NO time for me to do all those rebellious and irresponsible things you do in your late teens, early 20s. So, somehow I translate that all into being rebellious through the food I'm eating. "I shouldn't eat this? Good, that's exactly what I'm going to do." Lol, yes I know... time for big girl pants.

4. I have an addictive personality. There is a reason I never so much as tried drugs and that is the knowledge that I've had for a long time regarding that side of my personality. Whether it be adrenaline, games, fitness, or food I dive so deep that I never come up for air. Most of my "addictions" are not negative or in any way harmful but somehow I managed to develop a food addiction and haven't been able to kick it yet.

5. I was taught that I had to earn everything I get, and that's how I've been living my life. I work incredibly hard for everything. There is a part of me (don't hate me) that thinks of this diet as cheating. I was doing remarkably well working out and eating right, and then found out about this diet, used it as an excuse to put back on a few pounds, and despite all I've lost I've never felt successful at it. I feel like I haven't earned the results. Considering how hard this diet is that's actually a ridiculous thing to think.

6. I remember thinking 2 distinct things over the past 3 weeks. 1. "Everyone else says how incredible I look, I'm only a couple lbs over a healthy body weight... when am I going to stop feeling fat." I don't see a difference in how I look despite losing 4 pant sizes. and 2. "Damn, now everyone is looking at me." I used to be really fit and used to a lot of attention, in fact I was always the center of attention in sports, in plays, grabbing every leadership role I could find. Then I gained weight and sort of drifted to the sidelines, becoming comfortable with my invisibility. I sort of loved the attention I got from being me and people liking my personality more than I did before because it FEELS MORE GENUINE.

There's a lot more but that is the gist of it. A lot of it leads back to comfort and confidence, both of which are strained when you try to reinvent yourself. Today I try to wrap myself around the fact that I am not making a new me, just going back to the me before food took over my life, and tomorrow I start making that a reality. I'm not going to stop there though. I'm going to work on letting go of some of my control and confidence issues. I will walk away from this a better person.

I can still be me... just the best version of me.

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  1. marvless's Avatar
    Let it out GF!! It's great to see you back and fighting for this Kahlan! I love your energy and your perpsective on things. Sounds like you just need a little balance in your life to get to that better version of yourself. You have all the ingredients for success - you just need to fine tune the recipe. I'm routing for you!
  2. Kahlan's Avatar
    Thank you! I'm trying to work on it. I honestly think that HCG is the perfect thing to FORCE me to make these changes and finally confront the things I'm struggling with.
  3. brila's Avatar
    Another story to help me keep going. With tears in my eyes and years of instant gratification stretch marks uuugh im gonna keep going. Screaming to be released from this woman that im not. Im going to say it again like I never said before... Im gonna keep going. I can totally relate to what your feeling. as you put things into perspective for u... you put things things in perspective for me. Its been alooong battle with food. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Its almost scary how much I relate to u... goes to show we are not alone in this. Please keep sharing.