Popular Pages :


View RSS Feed

katerinavsharp

Christmas Update / Venting / Emotional Rant

Rate this Entry
What is it about weight loss that causes such an upheaval in emotions? I cannot for the life of me imagine why being almost to my healthy goal weight makes me so vulnerable. I am coming to the conclusion that my weight, or at least most of my weight was my wall…My sad, fat, protection from others. I have lost 130 pounds. I began at 296. I have been morbidly obese my entire life. I have tried to loose weight, had some success (30 – 50 pounds) and then gained it back and more. This is the story of my life. HCG has been my miracle. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I can achieve my goal weight of 150ish. And, for the first time in my life, I really am fine with where I am at weight wise. My last injection weight after my third round was 167.8. I have been 1 to 2 pounds below my LIW pretty much all of P3. I began P4 three days ago. Still under LIW.

So, yesterday was the big extended family Christmas Eve get together. People did not recognize me. My niece did not recognize me even though she knew I had lost 130 pounds. Since I have been so fat my entire life, many were questioning how I lost weight. The compliments were nice. One told me to stop because he liked his women with “meat on their bones”. Not your “woman” and not your business. Gees.

Today was Christmas dinner with my parents, my sister, her daughter, and son-and-law. I was taken aback when my dad (I am Daddy’s girl….always have been) asked how much I have lost…..in the middle of Christmas dinner….in front of everyone.

I said “130 pounds.”

He snorted, “Well, just how much do you weigh?”

I said, “How much do you think I weigh?”

He said, “150”.

I replied that I weigh 167 pounds.

Of course he said, “You don’t look like it.” And, then he continued, “You need to STOP loosing weight, you already look poorly.”

Good grief. Good grief. GOOD GRIEF!!!!

Out of all my family (minus my husband who hung the moon BTW), my daddy is the one person who I would like to have his approval and acceptance. I would like to hear his say, “Good job. I am proud of you.” I mean, is that too much to ask???? Instead, in his eyes, I am “POORLY”. And, MAN, did those words cut.

“Be quick to listen and slow to speak…” the bible says. “Let your words be few…”

I am learning why. Words cut. And you cannot repair the damage they do. They roll over in your mind over and over and over again. And the words of those that you hold with high regard, they cut the deepest, they do the most permanent damage, and their wounds are the hardest to heal.

So, I set here today, 130 pounds lighter yet 5 Million times heavier. I want my dads approval. I want my dads acceptance. I want to hear my dad say, “Good job, I am proud of you.”

SIGH.

I suppose as a part of my ‘survival’ instinct, call it what you will, but I am dropping the hurt and moving towards stubborn anger. (Not a very edifying place for me to be….I am bent towards carrying anger like a banner…) So, in my stubborn anger, I will maintain my weight loss. I may choose to complete yet another round. I am 5’7” tall. I could easily drop another 20-30 pounds and be healthy. And, I have been trying to make a decision as to whether I would do one last round or not. Loosing another 20-30 pounds would be my way of showing him that he does not control me. I am an adult. I turned 40 this fall. I make my own decisions as a responsible adult. I strive to make healthy and good choices. Weighing 140-150 would be awesome. However, after a lifetime of weighting 250-296, weighing 167 is awesome…and it is here now. So, I don’t know. I really do not want to make the decision to complete another round just because of stupid angry hurt feelings…the wrong motive. But, I do not want my dad’s words to cause so much hurt and pain that I sabotage myself and gain. NONONONO!!!!

The “Pros” of completing another round are:
-- Getting out of the “Overweight” category and into the “Healthy weight” category.
-- New, smaller clothes.
-- Feeling better in my own skin.
-- Feeling better (I feel pretty awesome where I am…)
-- Proving to the nay-sayers that I CAN loose weight AND maintain my loss…
-- Getting rid of any water weight and/or bloat right before summer…vanity vanity.
-- I am sure there are more pros…..

The “Cons” of completing another round are:
-- Having to buy yet MORE new clothes because the new-older clothes are getting too big…
-- I have stabilized WONDERFULLY after this round. Would I stabilize as well after Round 4?... Don’t know. This is a real concern.
-- 43 MORE days of boring chicken, tilapia, romaine lettuce, spinach, apples, oranges….. Mentally, Phase 2 is very draining.
-- More negative, unsupportive, and plain hurtful comments about my transformation. And, frankly, at some point I am going to tell someone to mind their own business.
-- A more vulnerable me…I mean the more of my “wall” I loose, the more vulnerable I will be. It’s easy…well, it’s easier (mostly) to be fat, know you are fat, and people poke fun at you because you are fat. But, it is really hard to be thin, wear a size 8-10, and people take pot-shots are you because you are now not fat. Well, ok. Neither is easy or good. But, I was used to folks making me feel un-human because I was heavy. I am not used to people making me feel like a complete turd because….just because.

So, I don’t know. There are Pros and Cons to completing one more round. I will study, think, and reflect. Eventually I will make a decision. I do not want to make a decision based on a bad motive, i.e., my dad hurt my feelings, therefore, I WILL SHOW HIM… No. I don’t want to do that. Even though he DID hurt my feelings, he can be a complete JERK, and he is INSENSITIVE A LOT… Two wrongs don’t make a right. Right?

Blah.

I started this journey with HCG in February 2012. With each pound I have lost, there has been a layer of hurt and emotions that have peeled away too. This process has uncovered old wounds, scars, hurts, emotions, thoughts, and feelings I had buried so deep I forgot they were there to begin with. It has been a hard journey. It has been a rewarding journey. I never thought I would be where I am. I have no intention of going back. I will do whatever it takes to maintain my losses.

In the mean time, I am going to take a deep breath, get up tomorrow, and start again. I am going to focus on what is in the future, not on the hurts of the past. I am going to endeavor to work through the emotions that have been uncovered to allow for healing. And I am going to try to take every thought captive and not allow the careless mean words of another repeat over and over again in my mind to cause damage.

I was morbidly obese. I have lost 130 pounds. Statistically (at 5’7” and 167 pounds) I am “overweight”…2 pounds from a healthy weight. I am no longer hypertensive. I am no longer pre-diabetic. I am proud of where I am. My hips, knees, feet, and joints no longer hurt. I have an abundance of energy. I feel great.

I need to remember that words can harm or they can heal. Words can speak life to someone or speak death to the hearer. I want to make sure that what I say encourages and brings the person up. I do not want to tear down and hurt a person. I want my words to heal.

This has been a HUGE bunch of emotional rambling. For those of you who have stuck with me, thank you for reading. Have a great day, a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!!!

Submit "Christmas Update / Venting / Emotional Rant" to Digg Submit "Christmas Update / Venting / Emotional Rant" to del.icio.us Submit "Christmas Update / Venting / Emotional Rant" to StumbleUpon Submit "Christmas Update / Venting / Emotional Rant" to Google

Categories
Uncategorized

Comments

  1. Perseverance's Avatar
    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. You have done an incredible job at losing the weight but as you have said there is so much more to it than just the weight. I too have been obese my entire life. This has been and still is an unbelievable journey and every day I learn more about myself. And that is the key it is about us not your dad or anyone one else. There is a lesson in this for you and when you can get past the anger I am sure it will reveal itself to you. For me it is never about the other person but about me. About coming into who I truly am,embracing my good and feeling good about me no matter what anyone else thinks or says. It is not easy but it is part of our journey I believe especially because we got such negative feedback about ourselves our whole life. Whether you choose to do another round or not is totally up to you. I do encourage you though to take a longer break and get the know the new you before moving on. It is easy to want to rush to the finish line but there is so much more to learn and deal with than just the weight. I just started dating. I am 60 years old. Have been obese all of my life. A whole new world has opened up for me. I am not to goal yet and have gained some back with going on dates and the holidays and you know what it is all ok. What I am learning about myself is so much more important. Your dad probably doesn't know what to say or how to act. He loves you and unfortunately cannot give you what you need but you know what ..no one can. It has to come from within you then the outer world will reflect the inner strength and love you have for yourself. Good luck to you on the rest of your journey. Seems to me from what you said here you have already accomplished what a few more pounds would bring you. Congratulations!
  2. katerinavsharp's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Perseverance
    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. You have done an incredible job at losing the weight but as you have said there is so much more to it than just the weight. I too have been obese my entire life. This has been and still is an unbelievable journey and every day I learn more about myself. And that is the key it is about us not your dad or anyone one else. There is a lesson in this for you and when you can get past the anger I am sure it will reveal itself to you. For me it is never about the other person but about me. About coming into who I truly am,embracing my good and feeling good about me no matter what anyone else thinks or says. It is not easy but it is part of our journey I believe especially because we got such negative feedback about ourselves our whole life. Whether you choose to do another round or not is totally up to you. I do encourage you though to take a longer break and get the know the new you before moving on. It is easy to want to rush to the finish line but there is so much more to learn and deal with than just the weight. I just started dating. I am 60 years old. Have been obese all of my life. A whole new world has opened up for me. I am not to goal yet and have gained some back with going on dates and the holidays and you know what it is all ok. What I am learning about myself is so much more important. Your dad probably doesn't know what to say or how to act. He loves you and unfortunately cannot give you what you need but you know what ..no one can. It has to come from within you then the outer world will reflect the inner strength and love you have for yourself. Good luck to you on the rest of your journey. Seems to me from what you said here you have already accomplished what a few more pounds would bring you. Congratulations!
    Thank you for your reply and support. You have commented several times on my rants and encouraged me along the way. Thank you for that. And, congrats on your own transformation. Dating again!...wow, I am sure that is exciting!
  3. Becky07's Avatar
    Late to the party, as usual. I won't even try to give you advise on whether to do another round, but I will tell you that I am proud of you and wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. I've completed my second round and am currently loading for my third. I've decided to do a long, long round this time, if I can stand it. I'm going for 90 days, totally off protocol in the days only. Take care.
  4. katerinavsharp's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Becky07
    Late to the party, as usual. I won't even try to give you advise on whether to do another round, but I will tell you that I am proud of you and wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. I've completed my second round and am currently loading for my third. I've decided to do a long, long round this time, if I can stand it. I'm going for 90 days, totally off protocol in the days only. Take care.
    Becky -- Thank you for the response. I have decided to do another round. I am on VLCD 11 of round 4 today. I am looking at my goal. I am still battling with the comments of others. I guess that is just part of it. I hope you have great success in your round.