makana

This has been the toughest week of this whole 4 month journey. The guilt, stress, emotions and exhaustion have taken over my life...no, I am not a victim-I have given up control again. I have made the job, house, kids and everything else the priority and moved myself to the bottom of the list again. I have cheated everyday this week, which, as we all know, has increased the downward spiral.
Trying to find a balance in my life has been a huge challenge. The marriage issues have added so much stress as we work to figure out how life is going to happen with both of us working full-time. We are not seeing each other at all and there is no communication happening. I miss my husband, my best friend, my biggest source of encouragement. I feel like I am drifting alone and trying to do everything on my own. I feel cut off from everything and everyone. Life for all has become so busy and hectic, my support system is gone.
On a happier, more productive note, I have been watching "How to Look Good Naked", both the British and American versions...and I have had some major realizations. I think it is fascinating to see how the ladies' perceptions are so wrong. What they think their measurements are vs the truth is amazingly different. I know that in the past, my body perception was incredibly wrong. I did not think I was a big as I really was-can you say denial?!?! Now, I have the opposite problem. I have lost so much weight in so little time, my brain has not had time to catch up. I still think I look 50 pounds heavier, think that is what everyone else is seeing-the heavy, "before", me. Still have the thought process of being the heavy girl in the room, of not being worthy of anyone's attention or love. I am working on being aware of these flaws in my thinking. Trying to work on seeing myself in reality. I am nearly no longer overweight, only 8 pounds away from being a "normal" BMI. My brain and self-perception just needs to catch up with that.
I don't really know my body anymore. Everything feels foreign and unknown to me. I have always been the big girl with big boobs and no waist-had to shop for that body type. I don't even know what my body type is anymore. I am having a hard time seeing what is in the mirror, and I don't trust my view. Nothing fits anymore-bras, underwear, tops, pants, everything is too big! I am thrilled with this, but to be 100% honest, which is the whole point of this blog-I feel like I am losing my identity-which I hate to admit, but was all wrapped up in my boobs. That was the one thing I was proud of, that I thought was a good feature, that I worked to accentuate. And my hubby told me he loved. Now they are shrinking daily along with the rest of me and I feel like I am losing myself. Weird and sad, but true.
I am really considering a boob job after all this is over, after I have gotten to the weight I want and stabilized. I always thought that was something I would never do, but this is getting really hard to deal with. I want to love my body, all of me. I am working on dressing to show off my new shape, which is new and different. I am having to dress up for work everyday, business attire. I have hidden in clothes for 10 years, I am not used to seeing a shape when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize what I see. I walk by a window or mirror when I am out and i don't realize I am looking at myself! Again, perception-so amazing what our brain distorts.
Tomorrow is another day, the start of the last week of this round. I am determined to finish this strong. It is not about losing any more weight (although it would be nice), it is about feeling confident and strong and proud. I have fallen down and it is time to get back up and finish this leg of the race. I want to feel proud and hold my head high, to say I have stumbled, but I am not giving up. I have spent enough time being ashamed and hiding and hanging my head in embarrassment. No matter what I weigh, I am proud of how far I have come and how much I have learned.
Time to see reality for what it is and put myself back at the top of the list. Here's to a great week!!!