Popular Pages :

View RSS Feed


this blog went somewhere scary

Rate this Entry
So after last nights egg white mountain and a gallon of water, I finally had a decent overnight loss. I mean, I can't stand water and the fact that I have to slug down almost a gallon a day kills me although not drinking enough is definately what is attributing to my "slow" weight loss. (sidenote:Man, I can't stand these hens in my office. I can't believe even old *****es are clicky as hell. Whatever, one of them is my ex's mom and honestly I dont give a flying pig **** if I ever have to see her again. Ohh... medical benifits, why must you offer them here! )
But anyway, yesterday was an interesting day. I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast or lunch so in the morning I grabbed a orange and for lunch I had a handful of blue berries. Surprisingly, I am almost never hungry and honestly this was the "appetite reset" that I was looking for. This honestly kills Mia (my new pet name for Bulimia), the ****ing demon ****. Sometimes Mia's wrath gripps me by my neck and throat and now I dont even feel her around anymore. I know its all psychological and sounds a little creepy but hearing her voice is absolutely terrifying. Ever hear of that song my Gnarles Barkley, "Monster". The ralization that you are your own monster is a scary thing.

In one moment, I would be sitting there minding my own damn business and all of a sudden I get this craving for like pizza or something and then I conciously try and shake it off and will keep doing whatever. Maybe it is true what they say, that "Idle hands are the Devils playground" because all of a sudden my body and mind isn't my own anymore. I get this feeling of anxiety and anticiPation. I'll bit my fingers like I am waiting for my next hit of ****. Then the dreaded door will buzz, and like some ****ed up movie. I get the box and devour as many slices as I can. I can feel my stomach stretch and start to hurt. My mouth will burn from the hot food but something has come over me and I dont notice. Before the last bite is down, I'm tying my hair back and making sure that I look myself in the mirror. The top of my abs are poofing out and I can literally see what I have done to myself. This is that time where my real self will peek through and I start to conciously start to come back and panic. I feel my body in pain and lift the toilet seat anyway. At this point I have to get this poison out and I have no choice. I think to myself, "I'm a model I can't let this affect my body. I have never had a cavity or braces and my teeth are perfect. This wont affect me, I still have time. I'll stick three fingers down my throat and bend over pump my abs into my spine. I can feel my throat and the entrance to my windpipe and my gag reflex is non existant. This is why I have to hold my abs in. I have to hold my breath while the food comes back up. My heart beats so loudly I can feel it in my whole body and like someone's going to hear it! And I for a second wonder if that is actually true. Any minute I know I can die from a heart attack. Any minute I know if I lose too much potassium my heart will just stop.. Like that. Each heave releases so much food and sometimes crust will get stuck in my throat and start to choke me. But as I see what once was an appetizing pizza, is proof of the lighness that I start to feel inside me. There's thick spit running down my forearm and starting to drip on the toilet. Then I can pull my stomach beneath my ribs and nothing else comes out. Its over, and the whole ****ing episode feels like a second in time. Its gone. I'm left trying to catch my breath and I will the monster in the mirror. Blood shot skin and red watery eyes. I'm numb. I clean myself up and lay down just for a second and I can feel Mia's evil all over my body abd she makes me feel so good. I can steill feel her gaze and the way she calms me from the inside. I can feel her approval.
As my heart starts to slow and my high subsides, I come back to myself. I start to feel the inside of my raw mouth and the cuts and burns and it hurts so bad. I feel like I've just been ****ed in the worst way. I get up shake off the feeling like I always do and pretend everything is okay.

Submit "this blog went somewhere scary" to Digg Submit "this blog went somewhere scary" to del.icio.us Submit "this blog went somewhere scary" to StumbleUpon Submit "this blog went somewhere scary" to Google

Tags: bulimia


  1. hcgwarrior's Avatar
    OMG!!! I almost don't know what to say. This is one of the most frightening things I ever read! I am encouraged that the hcg has made that urge depart. I hope FOREVER! I have just this piece of advice that I hope will help you: The water is majorly important, so keep up your intake, but getting a MINIMUM of 500 cals is also important. I see you skimped on your meals because you were not hungry. I did the same thing. I thought I was speeding my weight loss along by being under 400 cals a day. Wrong! I actually stalled and then GAINED! Experienced people on here came to my rescue and told me that it was all because I wasn't getting enough cals per day. Something about the body going into starvation mode and hoarding the fat instead of burning it off.

    I wish you all the best and hope you NEVER SEE THAT MONSTER AGAIN!
  2. MelusineBEAUTY's Avatar
    hey Warrior, I appreciate you dropped me a note. I hope she doesn't come back either. But I think she is gone. I really do this time. I keep saying over to myself that recovery isn't "down the road" its now. Its when I made the decision to stop and keep it like that. So far I think I am doing pretty well. In retrospect, it was like I was in a messed up relationship and wondering why I stayed, you know? Not to mention, I was in a relationship where this dude kept telling me I was a house and since I had no family around and he would also tell me that he loved me, I simply believed him. The behavior patterns that bulimia creates are fascinating in that way. I mean, no matter how you or someone makes you feel, what posseses a person to stick their fingers down their throat and puke? Go figure

    Warrior, I will also make it a point to eat more because you are totally right about the starvation mode thing. I owe it to myself to eat properly and be good to myself. At least trying to be better is a start. I admit I still am pretty hard on myself but that is starting to go away.
  3. MelusineBEAUTY's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by derocherl
    Not horrifying to me. I understand. I've been there. My Mia showed up a little differently in the day, but still a similar dance. I stumbled on this book three years ago, in a used book store, long after my bulimic symptoms had subsided: http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Languag...=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

    I read it and I cried for days. The author, Peggy Claude-Pierre, brought her own daughter out of life-threatening anorexia. Then she started a radical treatment program based on unconditional LOVE. She believes the root cause of EDs is Chronic Negativity Syndrome. This book gave me great compassion for the bulimic I was, and showed me how I was my own monster. Amazon's out of stock, but I found one on E-Bay for just $3.40: http://shop.ebay.com/?_nkw=peggy%20c...d=220719536119
    Thank you so much Laura, I will be ordering these reads shortly!