MelusineBEAUTY

'Every time I resist eating something not on protocol, I am strengthening my ability to resist in the future. The goal is to strengthen the ability to resist rather than strengthen the tendency to give in.' -JBeanie

So I dont think I could have said this better. At this time in the VLCD, I think I have the strength balanced in my favor. Its amazing how fast the last 33 days flew and not cheating a single moment really makes me feel proud of myself. I'm a lucky girl right now. In P3, I plan to take the caloric increase slow and will try my hardest to keep the discipline even and my reactions tempered. My goal was to lose my impulsive and compulsive nature. Right now it is definitely under control they way it was when I initially lost weight 4 years ago. I feel good. The last time I drove myself into an eating disoreder because I abused my ability to hold very little food. This time its differenct and with the medication I have an edge. I feel like I have an ace up my sleeve.

In retrospect, I know that I had very little strength last year to be able to get through the things that happened to me last year. I am a pretty candid person as you all know so here, I feel pretty confident that I can spill my guts without being judged by someone from Nowhere, Mideast. Last year, I lost a job that I really loved, lost my relationship with step mom who also helped raise me because I caught her cheating on my dad. Now she treats me like an outsider and hates me. I lost my relationship with my boyfriend, it was poisonous and he fed my eating disorder. My Step Dad who always said that I never judged him and my cousin who I was close with were murdered by the cartel....murdered-shot in the head..taken. Still hurts to say that. My uncle passed away right when I was getting to know him. My aunt died as well due to a drawn out sickness. This is all within a 10 month period. Its like surfing....well learning to surf during a storm while having vertigo. I'm paddling out in the water and I can't control my board. Waves are crashing into me and every time I get back on another knocks me off. There is water in my nose and I am dizzy and my 8 foot board springs back from being on a leash strapped to my ankle and propels itself into my stomach. I'm underwater again. Cant breathe and starting to panic because I have been thrown around I cant find the surface.

I think I am passed this now. I think I finally figured it out. The balance I mean. Being able to be at peace with the things in life you cannot control. I think I've been through. I feel released, I sense better things to come. I feel stronger and more alive.