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The Weekly Deets

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R1 W1: 224.2 to 211 lbs! -12.3 lbs
R1 W2: 210.3 TO 206.8 lbs -3.5 lbs

Day 17 VCLD 15.........???
Day 18 VLCD 16.........205.5 (-1.3)
Day 19 VLCD 17.........204.8 (-0.7)
Day 20 VLCD 18........204.4 (-0.4)
Day 21 VLCD 19.........204.4 (-0.0)
Day 22 VLCD 20.........202.4 (-2.0)

Lost 4.9 This Week

Isn't it funny how important food is? Last night I thought my heart was going to stop. It had been a stressful and emotionally draining week. The last two days meals consisted of an orange for breakfast, and an apple or a handful of blueberries for lunch. For dinner was what I call Mermaid food: shrimp and steamed Kale. Not exiting at all and rethought wanting to be a Mermaid. I ended up getting really sick to my stomach after smoking a cigarette. It reminded me of the first time I ever smoked, how sick it made and me swearing that I would never ever smoke again. I yacked and then had to eat some actual food. I had two 40 cal toasts with an egg and whites with 1/2 tomato. I felt better, a lot better.
After yesterdays blog, I realized it was an opportunity to unknowingly discover my disorders' sinister performance. To go through it step by step during my "black out" I think it was just time to see what happens. Usually Mia comes, I witness the whole thing like a film standing on the other side of a looking glass, paralyzed...and I can feel everything.

I feel more liberated now. ;-) I actually talked about this with my therapist this morning and she said that writing down step by step is helpful but most people have to be guided to do that. I am starting to believe that I have the ability to gently heal myself by own intuition since I did it on my own. And it just came like it was ready to come out. Finally. I used to call myself a 'Bulimist' because it was my way of making light of the subject. ( I know what I am doing, I don't have a problem! Kind of thought). I am starting to grasp the idea now that making yourself throw up is utterly disgusting and I had become completely desensitized.

I am going to work more closely on co-dependency this week. I am going to think about the idea of needing to be needed. And why is it so important to a Bulimia.

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Tags: bulimia, recovery