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Captains Log Stardate 05270.1021

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Captains Log
Stardate 05270.1021

So I am "too hard" on myself. Not a new relationship goes by where at some point those words are not uttered by the person i am communicating with. Well I come by it honestly. Both parents were demanding and perfectionist in thier own ways. Being a "gifted" child puts a **** ton of strain on you esp when your teachers dont realize that you are barely holding it together due to familial abuse and societal pressure and all they can see is that "young Jonathan is not appying himself". When at the age of seventeen you have to begin providing your sole support with little education in a place where people would prefer you not be.
you tend to become self critical. To hold yourself to a higher standard. to succeed at all cost as success gives the easy allure of a better life than you are currently experineceing...
I come by it honstly.
If anything i have to fight the beleif that i am not hard enough on myself, that each misstep could hav been avoided, that each error in judgement is inexcusable. I dont fight that beleife strongly. I give into that dark side way to often for even my own tastes, but the allure of perfection is strong.If only i was up to the challenge.
30 years of hardassedness have elapsed and while i have achived much i also have failed in an equivalent amount, and i have yet to achive my true desire , the only goal i truly care about.

The accepted definition of crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. But how in the name of Rudy can i expect that by being kind to myself, being gentle and less critical that my weight will "magically" go away on its own? Or do i just have to give up puruit of that particular brand of self satisfaction and happiness.

When i filed for divorce the sad truth was I had spent 13 miserable years with a woman who refused to change her behaviour and I refused to do another 13 in the same manner. Seven years later and I am still single, and not exactly loving that fact but by god i dont have to deal with her anymore.

After 30 years of pursuing a goal that refuses solution i suppose i must also divorce myself from the expectaiton that i will ever truly enjoy the body i am in. I cant leave it, but i refuse to ddo the same thing over and over agian and expect a different result.


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