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Day 7 (-1.4)

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This has been the hardest day so far. My son and his fiancee came into town and asked me to go to lunch with them. I chose Ruby Tuesday b/c I knew they had steamed broccoli (not on the protocol, but the closest thing I could find). Had half a petite sirloin - 3.5 oz (gave the other half to son) and ate the broccoli. And unsweetened tea. Figured that was good.

Then when I got home, all of a sudden I was craving everything. I actually got a protein bar out and took a bite then said "Whoa!" and spit it out into the trash. Didn't swallow the stuff. But geez. I can't believe I came that close to sidetracking myself when I've done perfectly all week. I mean, I'm down 14 pounds after 6 days on VLCD, so why would I do that? But this is what I always have done. Tried to justify by saying I'll get right back on it tomorrow.

I'm proud of myself for spitting out the bite of protein bar. I immediately ate my lunch apple (that I hadn't eaten yet). And that filled me up. But this is scary. Just the feeling of being out of control for that little period of time. As soon as I ate my apple, I got on here and started reading. I'm back to feeling strong. But I am not going to give in again.

I've gotta figure out what's going on though. I realized that with my work as busy as it is, and literally NO social life (just going home to my five dogs), food has been the only thing I've had to look forward to. One ankle and both knees are screwed up from (can you believe it????) football injuries when I was a teenager. So most activities are out until I can get most of this weight off. Not to mention that I don't think playing any sports at my size would be fun anyway. Not with my low self-esteem.

I don't spend money. I don't have time to make friends, other than those I have at church, and they all have families, so there's no one to spend time with. And I have no intention of going to a bar to make friends. I guess food has been the companion. It's always there, it tastes good, I feel better after I eat it. It takes the place of everything that's missing in my life. But I've gotta find some other way to fix that.

It's funny, being a trial lawyer and all, you'd think I'd be outgoing, but I'm not. I'm PAINFULLY shy. When I'm with people I know, I'm fine. But I still keep to myself. I appear to be outgoing to them, but I hide who I really am. I think that started because of abuse when I was a kid. In my family, there was a mantra -- what happens at home stays at home, and you never talk outside about what happens here. So I learned to be the person everyone liked, everyone thought I had it together (I was a straight-A student). And inside, I wasn't.

It makes me wonder if there aren't some things I have to get straightened out before I try to lose weight. But that's just an excuse. So I'll stick with protocol and get this damned weight off, and work through these issues while I'm doing it.

And for anyone who's gotten this far, thanks for listening.

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  1. pinkprincess's Avatar
    There are always mental reasons as to why we are heavy and why we have given up on ourselves. It's not going to be something that you can just flip on or off and it is taken care of. Trust me, the protocol will get you to the bottom of these reasons. You just have to make a commitment to yourself to deal with each of the emotions as soon as they come up. You will learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible. It's a process. Today was a moment that shed light on some issues that you need to deal with. But knowing that you have the issue, and what it is, really is half the battle. We will get there girl....and it will all be worth it.
  2. Catthai's Avatar
    I hear you. This diet makes you realise just how often we stick things in our mouths and why. So figuring out how we arrived at this weight does roll around our heads. When I get that iffy feeling I have a glass of water with 2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar. The tangy taste has gotten me through my worst I-just-need-something times. I thought about quitting but others said ACV doesn't stall this diet so I've just backed off to 1 glass a day instead of 3.

    Ouch, bad knees are a constant worry. I've had several close friends with injuries of the knees and they were constantly adjusting their lifestyle around what they could do. For one an operation was an option, but the surgery wasn't a sure thing. A slip of the knife and he'd be wheelchair bound.

    My family had the same mantra. I got away from it by leaving the entire country behind but I still have to deal sometimes when I'm back. I went years without stepping foot in the country. Now that my son is there, I see him and his family each year. But I still skip several years between visits to the rest. So I guess that the way I deal with it is out of sight, out of mind (the easiest fix I know :-)
  3. Redhdbelle's Avatar
    Thanks, you guys. I appreciate the support!
  4. Feisty's Avatar
    I think that dodging the first bullet is a major accomplishment. If you bow that first time it makes it just that much harder to say no next time. The next time you feel a slip you will have the memory of being strong the first time and feeling good about it and being proud of yourself. Each time will be easier.... and yes there will be more temptations than you can even think of. But you can do this.
    As the Fat comes off a lot of things will just surface for you too deal with on their own. You won't ask for them and they will sneak up on you. It's all part of being a better you in the end. I think we all have "stuff". If we can find a way to safely deal with our stuff that turns it into albeit, unwelcome life experience instead of baggage we are winning. And I know some stuff is just inexcuseable but we can't let it prevent us from growing. Comment on the knees. 6 months ago I was sure I would need surgury on my knees within the next few years.... 80 lbs later I'm thinking Not so much . So I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on that one. But... if the worst happens and you do need surgury.... visualize PT at your current weight and visualize it at your goal weight What's that they're sayin around here. . . . Oh yeah, "Pick your hard"