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Losing Weight -- Gaining Life!

Gained back 50 # -- The Avalanche (much more than a backslide).

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Sooo... I have been trying to blog about this for at least a month now... but I've been way too embarrassed.

I don't even know where to begin -- and that is part of the problem. I stopped paying attention. I stopped weighing myself every day... and then when I did weigh myself and see the numbers creeping up... I would lose 2 or 3 of the five pounds gained and call it good. And then when I couldn't get the other 2 or 3 pounds off, I just let is slide. And it would have been fine if I had kept it at that... but then I would gain 6 or 7 pounds and only lose 3... etc... etc.. etc...

I had stabilized pretty well at around 195 pounds after my Spring 2012 trip to Okinawa and I felt good about myself. I met a guy while I was vacationing down at the Gulf of Mexico in June... and I started seeing him (casually, long distance) ... and then he came to visit in August. Things were going so well -- but of course while he was here... we ate terribly. And then he had to go home -- and I was sad... and I continued to eat poorly.

That 2-0-0 number that I was never going to see on the scale again? I saw it over and over. I'd go above, and get below, go above, and get below... but then I stopped going below.

And suddenly -- I was at 214 pounds again and I felt like crap about it. I knew I needed to get back on the program... I knew I needed to do another Round of HCG... but I was going to Okinawa again in October. And then when I got home (another 10 pounds heavier after a month of vacation eating) -- it was almost Thanksgiving. Throw Christmas in on top of that and I'm suddenly in the midst of a disaster of my own making. At this point I stopped caring altogether and figured that I better get all of the overeating out of my system because I was going to crack down again... soon. Right?

I hit 142.3 # Is there a crying sad face on here? Because I felt terrible about myself. All of the old anxiety was back. None of my clothes fit. My job performance was slipping again. My feet were hurting after work, not to mention my knees starting to creak again. I started sleeping all of the time to avoid dealing with it. I would say that I barely recognized myself in the mirror and in pictures... but the truth is -- I recognized myself all too well. I recognized the old me. I may not have got back up to 280# ... but I was on a fast track.

So in mid-February, I started HCG again. I got totally cheated by the HCG supplier in town -- who suddenly charged me DOUBLE what I paid for the vial of injections last time... but when she told me the price, I just paid it. I was desperate to start again and the rate increase felt like a deserved punishment for my gluttony.

I had a decent first week, but then several of my co-workers came down with a horrible upper respiratory issue... which I promptly caught. And while I was coughing up a lung and dealing with sinus infections and headache... I also started having major intestinal issues. I lasted 3 days into VLCD Week #2 before I just had to stop and get myself well. The timing worked out though.. because after about a week of recovery, my sister managed a surprise visit from Okinawa. I didn't try to go back onto the HCG while she was here. It would have been way too difficult and I was still feeling pretty defeated (lack of motivation).

March 4th. I started again. Two days of HCG and loading and I was back to 239.8# again. *sigh*

But it is now March 23.... 19 days into this Round and I am at 223.4#. It's only a 16.4# loss, and I would love to be losing a lot quicker... but I have really done a number on my body in the last 9 months. I had a 3 day stall in VLCD Week 2... and ended up only losing 2 pounds for the whole week. I started to feel a little discouraged again, but I did not give up. Even though the pounds aren't coming off as quickly as I would like, I can tell that my body is reshaping and I feel so much better about myself already .

I don't know what to say about all of this. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to keep this weight off forever. My Dad is back up to 300# again (from around 180#). My Mom gained back the 30# that she had lost last year. One of my sisters got married and has gained at least 30# too. And another sister looks shockingly anorexic and has become dietary and fitness obsessed. I am an adult. I am my own person. I need to learn to separate myself from my upbringing and my family history of obesity and food obsessions. I can try to blame my issues on my family all that I want -- but I know what I've learned. Blaming keeps me helpless. If I blame others for my issues, it leaves me incapable of taking charge of repairing the damages.

And so I'm taking charge. One meal at a time. One trip to grocery store without giving in to the baked goods. One defeat followed by one success. Moment by moment.

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Comments

  1. Perseverance's Avatar
    hey there, so nice to hear from you again. yes it is not the news you wanted to share but nevertheless it is nice to hear from you. And trust me you are not in this battle alone. I had gotten done to 170. I think that was sometime in early Sept. I stayed at 175-180 for awhile then started dating in mid Nov. Similar story actually started slipping more with wine and going out than food but of course some wrong choices in food got mixed in there too. I was doing fine when I corrected but once I started going out a couple days in a row it sabatoged the corrections. To make a long story shor I got up to 210 and felt miserable. I too tried to get back on the program but fought it tooth and nail and quit after a week. My fall and winter clothes were feeling tight but I bottomed out when I tried on summer clothes that were too big and now were tight. I can't believe how awful I felt. Like a sausage in too tight of a casing. I was still 60 pounds lighter than my heaviest but I gained so much back in my midriff I couldn't stand it. I too finally started hcg again and loaded March 16th. This time my head seems to be in a better space. It will probably take more than one round to get back to my original low weight but right now I will just be happy if I fit into my summer clothes again. I am not certain how much I have lost so far as I am not weighing daily right now. I may start to but felt I was getting too attached to the scale. I feel so much better though just in this short time. I am not certain what it is going to take to maintain a lower weight but I am hoping this fallback will help me to see how easy it is to go back to where we were and hopefully will help me find a way to maintain better. So my friend we are in this together again. We can do this that is for sure. We just have to persevere. By the way I haven't been blogging but can be found in the forums at happy stabalizers. It is a nice group of women. Join us if you'd like or PM me any time. Good luck to you!
  2. rockbottom's Avatar
    Thanks! It's great to hear from you too. And it is nice to know that I'm not alone... but at the same time -- I wish you weren't experiencing this either. Ugh. It's tough. I don't have as much time on the computer as I once did... life has a tendency to get busy when you least expect it -- but I will definitely try to check in a bit more often. Best of luck in this latest round. You can do it!
  3. Third time is a charm's Avatar
    Hi there, Rome was not made in one day. Weight loss has been a process for me, and funny enough most of the process is in my head. Took me about 3 years to realize I wanted to loss weight a cut the addiction to sugar and carbs to have a HEALTHY life not a slim body.

    I feel very proud of you two ladies not only for coming out with your stories but for never giving up and taking control of your eating habits again. Yupiiiiii

    The best of luck for this new round, we can do it!!
  4. Toonsmom's Avatar
    Thank you so very much for your post! Without going into detail I will say that your words have had a profound impact on me. Thanks to you I am halting my weight creep RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU!

    You can't change what has already happened, but you can learn from it. This time you will do better because you know better. I wish you well.
  5. rockbottom's Avatar
    Thanks Toonsmom... I'm glad that my experience can help someone else avoid the same pitfalls. I'm down another pound and I feel really great. Slowly, but surely... I'm getting there.
  6. Debegrace's Avatar
    I wish I had something wonderful to say but I don't. It is great to read what is up with you and really you are so self aware it really is a big part of all of this. Your experiences are so similar to mine but you write it even more clearly than I can. Keep your head up and keep going the best you can. Take care