Losing Weight -- Gaining Life!

Sooo... I have been trying to blog about this for at least a month now... but I've been way too embarrassed.

I don't even know where to begin -- and that is part of the problem. I stopped paying attention. I stopped weighing myself every day... and then when I did weigh myself and see the numbers creeping up... I would lose 2 or 3 of the five pounds gained and call it good. And then when I couldn't get the other 2 or 3 pounds off, I just let is slide. And it would have been fine if I had kept it at that... but then I would gain 6 or 7 pounds and only lose 3... etc... etc.. etc...

I had stabilized pretty well at around 195 pounds after my Spring 2012 trip to Okinawa and I felt good about myself. I met a guy while I was vacationing down at the Gulf of Mexico in June... and I started seeing him (casually, long distance) ... and then he came to visit in August. Things were going so well -- but of course while he was here... we ate terribly. And then he had to go home -- and I was sad... and I continued to eat poorly.

That 2-0-0 number that I was never going to see on the scale again? I saw it over and over. I'd go above, and get below, go above, and get below... but then I stopped going below.

And suddenly -- I was at 214 pounds again and I felt like crap about it. I knew I needed to get back on the program... I knew I needed to do another Round of HCG... but I was going to Okinawa again in October. And then when I got home (another 10 pounds heavier after a month of vacation eating) -- it was almost Thanksgiving. Throw Christmas in on top of that and I'm suddenly in the midst of a disaster of my own making. At this point I stopped caring altogether and figured that I better get all of the overeating out of my system because I was going to crack down again... soon. Right?

I hit 142.3 # Is there a crying sad face on here? Because I felt terrible about myself. All of the old anxiety was back. None of my clothes fit. My job performance was slipping again. My feet were hurting after work, not to mention my knees starting to creak again. I started sleeping all of the time to avoid dealing with it. I would say that I barely recognized myself in the mirror and in pictures... but the truth is -- I recognized myself all too well. I recognized the old me. I may not have got back up to 280# ... but I was on a fast track.

So in mid-February, I started HCG again. I got totally cheated by the HCG supplier in town -- who suddenly charged me DOUBLE what I paid for the vial of injections last time... but when she told me the price, I just paid it. I was desperate to start again and the rate increase felt like a deserved punishment for my gluttony.

I had a decent first week, but then several of my co-workers came down with a horrible upper respiratory issue... which I promptly caught. And while I was coughing up a lung and dealing with sinus infections and headache... I also started having major intestinal issues. I lasted 3 days into VLCD Week #2 before I just had to stop and get myself well. The timing worked out though.. because after about a week of recovery, my sister managed a surprise visit from Okinawa. I didn't try to go back onto the HCG while she was here. It would have been way too difficult and I was still feeling pretty defeated (lack of motivation).

March 4th. I started again. Two days of HCG and loading and I was back to 239.8# again. *sigh*

But it is now March 23.... 19 days into this Round and I am at 223.4#. It's only a 16.4# loss, and I would love to be losing a lot quicker... but I have really done a number on my body in the last 9 months. I had a 3 day stall in VLCD Week 2... and ended up only losing 2 pounds for the whole week. I started to feel a little discouraged again, but I did not give up. Even though the pounds aren't coming off as quickly as I would like, I can tell that my body is reshaping and I feel so much better about myself already .

I don't know what to say about all of this. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to keep this weight off forever. My Dad is back up to 300# again (from around 180#). My Mom gained back the 30# that she had lost last year. One of my sisters got married and has gained at least 30# too. And another sister looks shockingly anorexic and has become dietary and fitness obsessed. I am an adult. I am my own person. I need to learn to separate myself from my upbringing and my family history of obesity and food obsessions. I can try to blame my issues on my family all that I want -- but I know what I've learned. Blaming keeps me helpless. If I blame others for my issues, it leaves me incapable of taking charge of repairing the damages.

And so I'm taking charge. One meal at a time. One trip to grocery store without giving in to the baked goods. One defeat followed by one success. Moment by moment.