What does she look like?
by, November 6th, 2011 at 09:28 PM (437 Views)
Since beginning my weight loss journey I catch myself looking in the mirror a lot more than I used to. I used to avoid the mirror. I could not stand to see the person looking back at me. I lost over 30 pounds over the past two years due to health problems but never really saw a difference. Now, with only 10 pounds lost on HCG I feel so differently. I really feel smaller, and I wonder. I look at the me in front of me and wonder who the woman that has been hiding inside of me for so long looks. I wonder if she will resemble my sister that I think is so beautiful. I wonder if she will look like other members of her family for once in her life. I wonder if her nose will be too big for her face. I wonder if she will be pretty..... I wonder so many things. Will her face look like mine does when I do the camera shot where I look up at the camera and it captures my face thinner..... I wonder if the me that has been lurking beneath these layers of adipose tissue will be happier. I wonder if she will be able to run up and down the soccer field without being short of breath or if bending over to tie her shoes will cut off her air supply and make her feel faint. Will she have to struggle to get up out of the floor when she sits down? How much will she weigh? I wonder so much.... I am scared too. Scared of losing this weight that has in some ways been a protective armor for me. This weight that I have carried around and hidden behind for so many years.
As long as I was fat, it was acceptable that my sister was a beauty pageant queen and I was the "smart" one. It was understandable that people said, "You have such a pretty face..." meaning you'd be pretty if you lost weight, but now I wonder, what if after losing weight I'm not pretty? What if my husband doesn't like the new me? What if my skin is so saggy that I look gross? It scares me to no end that even after I lose this weight I will not be able to get pregnant. If that is the case, then I have nothing else to do to make it happen. It will take all hope of being a mother from me. I cannot afford adoption or in vitro. Losing this weight is the only hope of me ever being a mother..... As long as I was fat I could say, I just have to lose some weight and I'll get pregnant. I'm scared it won't happen.......
At the same time that I am having these doubts and fears, for the first time in my life, I have hope and I feel stronger inside. I feel like every time I don't give in to my weaknesses I grow a little bit stronger and more proud. I have never been able to adhere to a diet so easily. I have never actually been able to even imagine that I might actually get the weight off, and now, I'm not even worried about it not coming off. I'm curious as to how many rounds I will have to do, but I know that with enough of them, I will be able to lose the weight. And anyone who worries about the price, they are crazy. With the amount of money I am saving on food, the injections more than pay for themselves. I am cooking more at home and saving at minimum 20 dollars a day on meals. My husband and I ate out 2 times a day at least 5 days a week. Cooking at home is so much cheaper and we are both eating a lot less food.
Even though I am a little scared and intimidated at times at what is ahead, I am ready to meet her and even more than that, I am ready to be her, whoever she is! I am ready to say good bye to this squishy armor that surrounds her and I am ready to see her step forward with her head held high. Watch out, here I come!!!