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What does she look like?

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Since beginning my weight loss journey I catch myself looking in the mirror a lot more than I used to. I used to avoid the mirror. I could not stand to see the person looking back at me. I lost over 30 pounds over the past two years due to health problems but never really saw a difference. Now, with only 10 pounds lost on HCG I feel so differently. I really feel smaller, and I wonder. I look at the me in front of me and wonder who the woman that has been hiding inside of me for so long looks. I wonder if she will resemble my sister that I think is so beautiful. I wonder if she will look like other members of her family for once in her life. I wonder if her nose will be too big for her face. I wonder if she will be pretty..... I wonder so many things. Will her face look like mine does when I do the camera shot where I look up at the camera and it captures my face thinner..... I wonder if the me that has been lurking beneath these layers of adipose tissue will be happier. I wonder if she will be able to run up and down the soccer field without being short of breath or if bending over to tie her shoes will cut off her air supply and make her feel faint. Will she have to struggle to get up out of the floor when she sits down? How much will she weigh? I wonder so much.... I am scared too. Scared of losing this weight that has in some ways been a protective armor for me. This weight that I have carried around and hidden behind for so many years.

As long as I was fat, it was acceptable that my sister was a beauty pageant queen and I was the "smart" one. It was understandable that people said, "You have such a pretty face..." meaning you'd be pretty if you lost weight, but now I wonder, what if after losing weight I'm not pretty? What if my husband doesn't like the new me? What if my skin is so saggy that I look gross? It scares me to no end that even after I lose this weight I will not be able to get pregnant. If that is the case, then I have nothing else to do to make it happen. It will take all hope of being a mother from me. I cannot afford adoption or in vitro. Losing this weight is the only hope of me ever being a mother..... As long as I was fat I could say, I just have to lose some weight and I'll get pregnant. I'm scared it won't happen.......

At the same time that I am having these doubts and fears, for the first time in my life, I have hope and I feel stronger inside. I feel like every time I don't give in to my weaknesses I grow a little bit stronger and more proud. I have never been able to adhere to a diet so easily. I have never actually been able to even imagine that I might actually get the weight off, and now, I'm not even worried about it not coming off. I'm curious as to how many rounds I will have to do, but I know that with enough of them, I will be able to lose the weight. And anyone who worries about the price, they are crazy. With the amount of money I am saving on food, the injections more than pay for themselves. I am cooking more at home and saving at minimum 20 dollars a day on meals. My husband and I ate out 2 times a day at least 5 days a week. Cooking at home is so much cheaper and we are both eating a lot less food.

Even though I am a little scared and intimidated at times at what is ahead, I am ready to meet her and even more than that, I am ready to be her, whoever she is! I am ready to say good bye to this squishy armor that surrounds her and I am ready to see her step forward with her head held high. Watch out, here I come!!!

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  1. jeslholmes's Avatar
    I wanna encourage you! You are already getting glimpses of the you that is ready to break out and shine! I am BRAND new but have been a HCG creeper for a long time now...it is a gutsy thing to do stepping out and trying a whole new way of life for this time but see you have already encouraged yourself by the 10# down and most importantly the way you feel! Keep up the good work!!
  2. Abinco's Avatar
    Congrats! Keep enjoying your journey. I have done 3 rounds and can tell you, this diet works and is truly a transformation. I lost a total of 53 lbs. I was 180 and went down to 127. Since June when I ended, I am up to 142 which actually was my ending weight in Round 2. 127 was too thin for me. If I do another round to get down, I will not do until Jan. This diet does give us self confidence and shows us we can do anything! Before this diet I felt I had no will power and proved myself wrong. The journey is truly a gift and amazing! Keep blogging and best of luck! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Perseverance's Avatar
    I know what you mean about this other person inside of you. It is pretty exciting getting to know her and it takes courage facing those other demons that come up in the process. I don't know about everyone else but they do come up for me. I am sure there are reasons I have held on to so much weight for all these years. Little by little they surface and I think part of this journey is facing them and moving through them. this is truly a transformation. I am sure there are other reasons you want to lose weight also and it is good to look at all of those reasons. It will help you on this journey. Good luck to you and see you on the road!
  4. cmwarnick's Avatar
    Wow. Thank you for sharing this, I read it twice and really connected with it. You will definitely be able to lose the weight! It took me seven rounds to lose 100 pounds, but it should have taken less. Even so much smaller I still have the fears about the gross saggy skin and how my husband "really" feels about it. Still working on my confidence. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, but I hope you enjoy getting to know yourself! There is an amazing amount of information and support on this forum, don't hesitate to take advantage of it.

    Good luck to you, and definitely keep blogging...it helps to get things out and you write beautifully!

  5. srsmith81481's Avatar
    Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I truly appreciate that you took time to reply with your words of wisdom. I am so glad to have found all of you fellow hcgers!!