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txsunshine

Hungry? Emotions?

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Man, I am feeling. I feel like I am hungry but having grown up where feelings could be covered with food is making this day VERY hard. I am feeling and feeling is NOT easy. I thought the hunger was hard. The feeling is harder. I have feelings of wanting to throw in the twel so I can be comforted by food. I want to food---I want the feelings I am having to go away.

Yep...the ice cream would work for a moment and then I could binge for several moments and then I could feel guilty and then decide I am going to be better tomorrow. I could spend my evening that way. I have spent MANY, MANY evenings that way and that is how I have gotten where I am...those nights I am willing to feel rather than eat, drink, etc. then that is when I grow as a person. That is how I got where I am with God. That is how I learned stability with faith in God. I base I did not have growing up. Not until the last 4-5 years did I gain the foundation to know that I can stand string in a hurricane.

Today's reading in my daily devotional, Jesus Calling says, "In My Presence you can face uncertainty with perfect Peace." That is the essence of my foundation.

Life is very uncertain today, more so for me in the way that the outside world would look at uncertainty. I am transitioning out of a job that was FAR more than a job and exactly where I was meant to be for 11 years. But it was time to leave and...thus uncertainty.

Uncertainty also comes with the fact that I am getting older. 36 and I have not yet decided to open my heart (again) to a relationship. My heart has been closed off for many years...bc it was too painful to love. Now it is too painful not to love and I am hoping that God will lead to me the way to open my heart.

I want kids. I want love. For so long I wanted peace and in all this uncertainty I found Peace with Him.

In the moments where food seems like The answer but it is not...

The truth is that when I am willing to open my heart to God...I find peace. Not in the cookie dough but in God. It lasts longer. My first instinct is to go to food, not God, when I was lonely today. It is not the diet. I have eaten and I am full. I was lonely and sad. Food won't fill that hole. That is a God-sized hole. Thankfully, for now, for this moment, I am willing to not fill that hole with food but to share here and open my heart...which is what brings healing.

This is not about losing weight for me. This is about not running to food when I am feeling so I can grown as a person (not literally). The strength and foundation to deal with all the things I pushed down during my life with food. Those emotions are still there...the food only led to tonight's emotion being more unbearable...but I think I am ok for right now. I feel a little better having gone through it rather than spoon threw it. If I can continue to do this (not perfectly but humanly) I will continue to build that foundation and m character. God will lead me in the areas I desire.

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Comments

  1. AbbyGJ's Avatar
    Amen. You have the strength to do this.
  2. lidokey's Avatar
    Feelings! They will come out and hit hard, but you can hit back! Own them, feel them, then dismiss them! You are stronger than you think. I am working on this at this very moment, so thanks for your post! I was "starving" when I woke up, sad and feeling deprived. Read your post, accepted these feelings for now, and "poof", feeling no hunger, little smile emerging...thanks for helping me! Hope this helps you! By the way, if you are just wishing for ice cream....I make lemon juice pops, water, fresh lemon juice ( I was given the ok on this!), stevia to taste, freeze in those little kiddie pops. Pretty good actually!
  3. thefoodpassionista's Avatar
    You can do it! Just look at the bigger picture! the ice cream will satisfy you for right now, but the feeling you get when you are able to fit into clothes you have never fit into is AMAZING!
  4. Roknmama's Avatar
    Wow.... you are a really great writer, that was written so beautifully! Brought tears to my eyes. I understand exactly how that feels to have food as your number one "lifesaver", and am with you on this journey of figuring out a totally different way of dealing with our emotions. And that IS the hard part....dealing with them. We can do it though. Good luck and hope you continue to use other ways (for you, God) to get you through the days without reaching for food and immediate comfort with that. Take care
  5. Miley's Avatar
    What a powerful and honest testimonial! I admire your openness; many of us with weight issues are so ashamed to admit our weakness (I'm one of the worst) and admit how hard we struggle to remove food from its place as Priority #1 in our lives. (A place reserved for God only, as you said in so many words.) But I truly believe that if you are anything like me (and you sound like you are), you've been praying about your weight for a long time, and now the Lord has opened a door for you called HCG, and that door will lead you to wonderful, joyful things that were not meant to happen until their appointed time. (I wondered for years why I was so "unwanted" in high school--no boyfriends, no dates, no male interest at all. Turns out I had a big, scary guardian angel who was literally protecting me until the day I met my husband. Believe me, all that pain and heartache and wondering why was worth it--and I would go through it all over again knowing my DJ would be waiting for me at the end.)

    God will lead you in the areas you desire, my friend. And He'll do it perfectly in His good time!